I understand the frustration and pain that the Muslims have been feeling as of late. For the last month, we've all been bombarded with images of innocent people being killed and our politicians just don't seem to care. Why is that? Before we jump into your standard conspiracy theories and “Jews control everything” garbage, let’s actually analyze our own behavior, as a community:

1) We claim that politicians don't care about us, right? How many of us vote in midterm elections or primaries? How many of us are politically active? Before this recent chain of events, how many of us had even attended a protest or written a Congressman? I know I hadn't. We showed complete apathy to what is going on in the world, until about a month ago. Until we are willing to participate in the political process, we will always be ignored. We need less Muslim doctors, engineers, accountants, franchise owners and more Muslim journalists, reporters, politicians, writers, public speakers, activists. We literally don't have a voice. And if we don't have a voice...THEY DON’T GET TO HEAR OUR SIDE OF THE STORY.

2) Bashing Obama (or any other politician) for not standing up for Palestine is stupid. There has not been, nor will there be for at least the next decade or two, a Commander-in-Chief that is sympathetic to the Palestinian cause. There is simply no way to get that far up in the political system, in either political party, with those beliefs (e.g. Ron Paul). Politicians are not altruistic public servants...they are diplomats. I'm not saying that they are evil or immoral; I'm just saying that they won't sacrifice their political careers for a self-absorbed population that doesn't even vote. They are a part of the system, and if you want them on your team, you have to learn to play their game and speak their language. (On a side note, I have a lot of respect for that Muslim government official that resigned in Britain a couple of days ago).

3) Why does the American population protect the interests of the Jewish community? They're only about 1.5-2% of the population of the US, yet their community's needs are always addressed. No, it's not a Jewish conspiracy funded by caramel macchiatos and diet colas. And if you want to say it's because the Jewish community has more money...go visit Dubai, Qatar, or Kuwait and tell me which religious community has more money. It's because they know the game. They vote, they lobby, they back political candidates that they know will protect their interests, while we rally behind third party candidates that don't have a shot in hell. They play the game and Muslims refuse to.

4) 80 years ago, no politician cared about women. 50 years ago, no politician cared about African Americans. 15 years ago, no politician cared about homosexuals. Now, those three interest groups are some of the most powerful forces in American politics. Appealing to women, African-American, and LBGT voters is VITAL in order to get elected. How did they accomplish this? By unifying, getting a single voice, and making things happen. When was the last time the Muslims had a leader that they could rally behind? The only Muslims I see in media are those progressive apologists who write books like "Islam: Please Like Us."

5) Muslims are not unified. We are constantly arguing among ourselves. Forget the fact that all the sects of Islam isolate themselves and are always disagreeing: even within Sunni Islam, we are constantly arguing. The only time Sunnis get along is when they bash Shias, Ismailis, or Qadianis...WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON WHAT DAY EID IS. When was the last time you saw Christians arguing about what day Easter is or Hindus arguing about what day Diwali is? Until we get unified and let go our small differences for the great good, no one is going to take our concerns as a community seriously.

6) We need better community leaders. Period. Our current leaders are more focused on photo-ops with politicians than pushing for the advancement of the American Muslim. They were standing with Sheila Jackson Lee at every Eid prayer and now she's standing with Israel. The first time I met Tom Delay was at Synott Masjid and I had no idea what a corrupt Islamaphobic bigot he was at the time. Looking back, I cannot believe we let that Devil anywhere near a masjid. In addition to that, our current leaders bring too much tribalism from the countries they come from. “Arabs eat outside meat.” “Pakistanis don’t know how to read Arabic properly.” “Turkish people pray weird.” our current leaders are focused on representing their small sects (Braelvis, Deobandis, Salafis, Sufis) rather than unifying. Instead of combining ideas and learning from the diversity of American Islam, we just stick to our old ways and argue about whether you can do wudu with socks on or not. Our community leaders refuse to evolve. I only pray that our next generation of leaders is better. We don't need more masjids to represent every division of Islam there is...we need people to come together, not break apart into their comfort zones.

7) Stop posting random articles from random no-name websites. The Internet is full of false articles, photo-shopped pictures, and propaganda and NO ONE is verifying the links that they are posting. I'm ashamed at some of the ignorant things I've seen Muslims post in the last month.

Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

As most citizens should be doing, I've been following the 2008 Election campaign for some time. Unfortunately, none of the candidates seem to appeal to me. First of all, I'm not voting Republican because who knows what will happen if we get another George W. in office. I don't like Hillary because she's ruthless and rude. If she's our next president, then the rest of the world will hate us. Barack talks good, but I don't know if can walk the walk. In fact, by the way he talks, he comes off as an idealist to me. Someone with ideas, but not much more beyond that.

So because of all this, I've decided that the only way this country will ever get fixed is if I run for President. So yeah, I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the President of United States. Here are some of my views on specific issues.

Heathcare: We should abolish all doctors. That way, there won't be health costs, such as high insurance rates. Instead, we should invest the money we save into extensive Ta'weez research. For the people that don't know what a Ta'weez is, its a kind of good-luck charm that SOME Muslims use to keep monsters away from them. If we give every citizen a Ta'weez, then no one will ever get sick. Plus, the average citizen will save thousands of dollars by not having to pay for health insurance. The only problem is the Haseeb party will call my Healthcare plan an "innovation," which is apparently a bad thing.

Affirmative Action: If I'm elected President, I will totally get rid of the idea of Affirmative Action, and replace it with the idea of Defermative Action. Under this plan, we will assassinate all garbage rappers, like Soulja Boy and Hurricane Chris. These rappers, who rap about "apple bottom jeans" and "superman'ing hoes," are single-handily destroying black culture. Hell, now I can't even enjoy laffy taffy without feeling dirty thanks to garbage rap. Once all these scrub rappers are abolished, then I believe African American society will flourish even more.

Gay Rights: One of the biggest topics today is the issue of gay rights. A lot of homosexual want the right to get married. Under my regime, I will institute a program of "ungayness" called the "Zaid Siddiqui Plan." This plan will involve sending naked pictures of Zaid to every gay person in America. By doing so, I believe we will scare them straight. If this plan fails, then we'll just send all gay people to Bangladesh.

Yeah, so vote for me for President, you won't regret it.