I understand the frustration and pain that the Muslims have been feeling as of late. For the last month, we've all been bombarded with images of innocent people being killed and our politicians just don't seem to care. Why is that? Before we jump into your standard conspiracy theories and “Jews control everything” garbage, let’s actually analyze our own behavior, as a community:

1) We claim that politicians don't care about us, right? How many of us vote in midterm elections or primaries? How many of us are politically active? Before this recent chain of events, how many of us had even attended a protest or written a Congressman? I know I hadn't. We showed complete apathy to what is going on in the world, until about a month ago. Until we are willing to participate in the political process, we will always be ignored. We need less Muslim doctors, engineers, accountants, franchise owners and more Muslim journalists, reporters, politicians, writers, public speakers, activists. We literally don't have a voice. And if we don't have a voice...THEY DON’T GET TO HEAR OUR SIDE OF THE STORY.

2) Bashing Obama (or any other politician) for not standing up for Palestine is stupid. There has not been, nor will there be for at least the next decade or two, a Commander-in-Chief that is sympathetic to the Palestinian cause. There is simply no way to get that far up in the political system, in either political party, with those beliefs (e.g. Ron Paul). Politicians are not altruistic public servants...they are diplomats. I'm not saying that they are evil or immoral; I'm just saying that they won't sacrifice their political careers for a self-absorbed population that doesn't even vote. They are a part of the system, and if you want them on your team, you have to learn to play their game and speak their language. (On a side note, I have a lot of respect for that Muslim government official that resigned in Britain a couple of days ago).

3) Why does the American population protect the interests of the Jewish community? They're only about 1.5-2% of the population of the US, yet their community's needs are always addressed. No, it's not a Jewish conspiracy funded by caramel macchiatos and diet colas. And if you want to say it's because the Jewish community has more money...go visit Dubai, Qatar, or Kuwait and tell me which religious community has more money. It's because they know the game. They vote, they lobby, they back political candidates that they know will protect their interests, while we rally behind third party candidates that don't have a shot in hell. They play the game and Muslims refuse to.

4) 80 years ago, no politician cared about women. 50 years ago, no politician cared about African Americans. 15 years ago, no politician cared about homosexuals. Now, those three interest groups are some of the most powerful forces in American politics. Appealing to women, African-American, and LBGT voters is VITAL in order to get elected. How did they accomplish this? By unifying, getting a single voice, and making things happen. When was the last time the Muslims had a leader that they could rally behind? The only Muslims I see in media are those progressive apologists who write books like "Islam: Please Like Us."

5) Muslims are not unified. We are constantly arguing among ourselves. Forget the fact that all the sects of Islam isolate themselves and are always disagreeing: even within Sunni Islam, we are constantly arguing. The only time Sunnis get along is when they bash Shias, Ismailis, or Qadianis...WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON WHAT DAY EID IS. When was the last time you saw Christians arguing about what day Easter is or Hindus arguing about what day Diwali is? Until we get unified and let go our small differences for the great good, no one is going to take our concerns as a community seriously.

6) We need better community leaders. Period. Our current leaders are more focused on photo-ops with politicians than pushing for the advancement of the American Muslim. They were standing with Sheila Jackson Lee at every Eid prayer and now she's standing with Israel. The first time I met Tom Delay was at Synott Masjid and I had no idea what a corrupt Islamaphobic bigot he was at the time. Looking back, I cannot believe we let that Devil anywhere near a masjid. In addition to that, our current leaders bring too much tribalism from the countries they come from. “Arabs eat outside meat.” “Pakistanis don’t know how to read Arabic properly.” “Turkish people pray weird.” our current leaders are focused on representing their small sects (Braelvis, Deobandis, Salafis, Sufis) rather than unifying. Instead of combining ideas and learning from the diversity of American Islam, we just stick to our old ways and argue about whether you can do wudu with socks on or not. Our community leaders refuse to evolve. I only pray that our next generation of leaders is better. We don't need more masjids to represent every division of Islam there is...we need people to come together, not break apart into their comfort zones.

7) Stop posting random articles from random no-name websites. The Internet is full of false articles, photo-shopped pictures, and propaganda and NO ONE is verifying the links that they are posting. I'm ashamed at some of the ignorant things I've seen Muslims post in the last month.

1. People are afraid of assimilating into the culture that they live in.

2. Religion is being used as an excuse to be arrogant.

3. People are pitying themselves, instead of accepting responsibility for their shortcomings and making the necessary changes.

4. People are afraid of questioning their own beliefs and values.

5. Religious people do not read their own religious text.

6. People have a weak relationship with their parents; they either fear, hate, disrespect, or disobey them.

7. Women are not getting attention from their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and husbands. They are forced to seek it from other sources, such as idiots on Facebook.

8. Women define themselves by their looks. Men define themselves by how much money they make.

9. The social benefits of being religious are encouraging people to become "righteous" for the wrong reasons.

10. People are focusing on the ritualistic aspects of religion/culture and forgetting the fundamentals of humanity, such as respecting one's parents, kindness to others, and leaving judgement up to God.

Life is simple. Let's stop making things so complicated.

I like to consider myself a heavy thinker. I spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts. My sisters complain because I take 45-minute showers in which I analyze the dilemmas of the day: which class is the best in Monday Night Combat and why desi girls are obsessed with doctors.

Okay, so one day, while I was taking one of my thought-showers, I realized something important: there needs to be some serious change in this world. There are so many problems today: floods, disappearing middle class, deterioration of art, selfish rich people who don't care about helping the needy, hate crimes in the name of religion, money-hungry insurance companies, corrupt politicians, and the list goes on.

I also realized one more thing: I'm amazing. I came to the conclusion that I'm incredibly smart to have figured all of this out. If these problems exist, then that means no one else knows about them and that it's my responsibility to do something to make the world a better place. So I came up with this awesome idea...I'm going to become a speaker!

I've decided that I'm going to contribute to the greater good by talking. I'm going to go to all these different places and give speeches on these issues that only I know about. I'm going to change the world, one Facebook status at a time.

So here's where my idea becomes really awesome: people are going to LOVE me. I'm going to use big words, talk enthusiastically, invoke religion when necessary, and people are just going to eat it up. The genius of it is that I'm not going to actually have to do anything because I'm already doing my part by talking about the problems instead of actually solving them. Basically, I can do whatever I want as long as I'm making the world a better place with my mouth.

I can give speeches on the evils of spending too much on clothes while rocking Armani. I can pull up to anti-abortion rallies with my would've-been-baby-mama and no one will know. I can give Friday kuthbas, while hoping no one saw Thursday night's tagged pictures of me grinding on some girl at Rich's. I can run to the car during a wedding, have a few drinks, and then make it back in time to recite some Quran on stage. I can go to a masjid and make a 30-minute prayer asking God to protect me from the heathens who date, while my girlfriend is in the ladies section, losing her wudu.

Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but honestly, it's needed. I know I don't normally do this, but I'm going to step out of my satire box for a little bit. I'm sick and tired of these worthless people. It's not even the corrupt politicians in American government or the useless Pakistani government that I'm talking about. That's another monster that I don't think I can affect with some scrubby blog that nobody reads. It's the sickness that has spread to the people around me. People I see every day on Facebook and I read about in these nonsense Pakistani newspapers they stick on my windshield every time I go to pick up some naan.

Just stop it. No one said you had to be religious. If you're going to go up there and talk about religion or world issues, then back it up. Otherwise, don't talk. We don't need people to talk about the problems; we need people to solve them. If you have a girlfriend, it's not a big deal. Honestly, no one cares. But no one made you go up there and go HAM on the people that do. If you want to say interest is from the devil, then don't roll up in your brand new 3-series that you're "islamic-financing." Don't tell me it's wrong to spend excessively and then invite me to your daughter's twelve wedding events that each cost more than my house. You could feed a village in Bangladesh for a month instead of serving Filet Mignon to some spoiled memon kid for the eighth night in a row.

My battle is not with the people that do these things. If someone wants to spend lavishly, they have every right to. God knows, if I had the money, I'd pay a psychic to write my blogs directly from my brain. My problem is with the hypocrites: the ones who post annoying Facebook statuses with their holier-than-thou attitudes and feel that they have the right to pass judgement upon others and that the rules don't apply to them.

No one cares what you do. Just don't go up there and condemn people that partake in those activities that you yourself do. No one said you had to be a role model; you chose to be one. There's a certain responsibility that comes with casting yourself in the public eye. Without actions to back them up, your words are meaningless. Admit to yourself that you enjoy the social benefits of being "religious." Just be honest that you enjoy the attention that you get because you know how to implement the "fear of God" in the hearts of the pseudo-pious. Just because you are good at public-speaking or have some knowledge doesn't mean that you should be giving speeches. Knowledge is not the same as intelligence.

We need legitimate role models: people who have good character and good ideas. We have enough pundits, radio shows, and speakers; we need people who actually follow religion rather than just talk about it. Hypocrisy has an extremely strong stench; we can smell it on you and it smells worse than my colitis. And once we know you're a hypocrite, we want to do exactly what you told us NOT to do, just to spite you. So please, don't talk if you can't back up what you say with your actions. It's counter-productive. We'd rather you just stick to selling cell phones or used cars or whatever it is that you do when you're not polluting the air with your mouth diarrhea.

As a final note, the next person I see who says something that I know that they don't follow...I'm going to call them out. I don't care if it's some random Facebook status or an Islamic speech at a masjid. If you agree with me, I urge you to do the same. We need to stop this sickness. Our community needs people who act, not actors.

Unfortunately, it's that time of the year again. Twice a year, the Muslim community in Houston divides itself on what day Eid is. And by Muslim, I'm including all Muslims, not just Sunnis. But even within Sunnism, there's two Eids. That's how bad it's gotten. There's the ISGH arabs who say that we should go with the people in Saudi Arabia because that's where Hajj takes place and that we should celebrate it on the same days as the people who went to Hajj. Plus they don't have to buy two phone cards to call their relatives. And then there's the Adil/Abid Pakistanis who say that each community should go by the moon sighting in its own town. Both sides have their points, but the result is a divided community.

I propose that instead of arguing about Wednesday versus Friday, we compromise and go with Thursday. That way the Arabs can be happy that the backwards non-Arabs didn't win, and the Pakistanis can be happy that they were at least able to cause SOME fitnah this year.