There exists a creature whose sole purpose is to cause mischief. This agent of Satan goes around preaching the word of God, but the reality is that he just enjoys hearing the sound of his own voice. This keyboard warrior has no actual knowledge or intellect, just a propensity for telling everyone what they are doing is wrong. This Weasel often enters into situations, completely uninvited, to tell everyone about their own faith.

Me: Hey guys, I just got this awesome new promotion! I will be lead engineering director at Halal Engineering Inc!
Weasel: Brother, why would you be so proud of such a haram job?
Me: How is this haram? It's a Muslim owned Engineering Company that builds hospitals in Islamic countries without taking any loans and even has zabiha food in the cafeteria.
Weasel: Brother, don't you work with the opposite gender?
Me: No, they have completely separate offices for men and women.
Weasel: Well, do they offer a 401k retirement plan?
Me: Yes, but they do not invest in any interest bearing accounts.
Weasel: Where is your office located?
Me: Near the beltway.
Weasel: So you pay tolls to get to work and support this kuffar government? HARAM!
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: *checks in to Luigi's Pizza*
Weasel: Brother...
Me: Let me guess, pizza is haram.
Weasel: Actually, I was going to say "Brother's Pizza is better."
Me: Oh, well, I actually do like Brother's Pizza a lot.
Weasel: Yes, but unfortunately, pizza is haram. The Prophet didn't eat pizza, therefore it is biddah to eat pizza.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Check out this new band guys!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know music is haram?
Me: Well, actually there's several reputable Islamic scholars that say certain types of music are acceptable.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know that those scholars are deviant?
Me: Just because they disagree with you, they're deviants?
Weasel: No, it's because they practice deviancy.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Like my Facebook status and I'll tell you where we first met!
Weasel: Brother, you are promoting liking things which are not Allah.
Me: ...it's a standard feature of Facebook!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know Facebook is haram?
Imran: But you're on Facebook right now!
Weasel: Yes, just to tell everyone it's haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: The people killing each other in XYZ country need to stop! Killing innocent people is clearly haram in our religion!
Weasel: Brother, telling people that things are haram is haram.
Me: Don't you realize that's what you just did?
Weasel: Please do not accuse me of telling people what they are doing is haram. Accusing me of that is haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: I just finished reading this awesome surah in the Quran! Y'all should go check it out.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know it is haram to read the Quran on your own without a scholar?
Me: Well, I read it in Arabic and then I read an authorized tafsir in English.
Weasel: Brother, you're not supposed to interpret the Quran on your own. You don't even know Arabic.
Me: Well, where did you get this information?
Weasel: I read it in the Quran.
Me: But you don't know Arabic.
Weasel: Brother, please don't accuse your Muslim brother of committing haram.
Me: So you're saying I can't read the Quran unless I know Classical Arabic and study it with a scholar?
Weasel: Yes.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Hey, Broseph, happy birthday!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know birthdays are haram?
Me: Man, I wish you would lighten up sometimes. Birthdays aren't that serious.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know wishing is haram? You're supposed to make dua.
Me: Is there anything that isn't haram? I can't even read the Quran or use Facebook anymore!
Weasel: Nope. Haram until proven halal.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

So the Weasel will find some form random train of illogical thought or some obscure weak hadith to try and convince you that everything you love is haram (like pizza and birthdays) and that everything you hate is halal (like killing children and hemorrhoids). This is what the Weasel does and there's nothing you can do about it. The best way to deal with the Weasel is to completely ignore him; thus, cutting off his life source: attention.

I like to consider myself a heavy thinker. I spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts. My sisters complain because I take 45-minute showers in which I analyze the dilemmas of the day: which class is the best in Monday Night Combat and why desi girls are obsessed with doctors.

Okay, so one day, while I was taking one of my thought-showers, I realized something important: there needs to be some serious change in this world. There are so many problems today: floods, disappearing middle class, deterioration of art, selfish rich people who don't care about helping the needy, hate crimes in the name of religion, money-hungry insurance companies, corrupt politicians, and the list goes on.

I also realized one more thing: I'm amazing. I came to the conclusion that I'm incredibly smart to have figured all of this out. If these problems exist, then that means no one else knows about them and that it's my responsibility to do something to make the world a better place. So I came up with this awesome idea...I'm going to become a speaker!

I've decided that I'm going to contribute to the greater good by talking. I'm going to go to all these different places and give speeches on these issues that only I know about. I'm going to change the world, one Facebook status at a time.

So here's where my idea becomes really awesome: people are going to LOVE me. I'm going to use big words, talk enthusiastically, invoke religion when necessary, and people are just going to eat it up. The genius of it is that I'm not going to actually have to do anything because I'm already doing my part by talking about the problems instead of actually solving them. Basically, I can do whatever I want as long as I'm making the world a better place with my mouth.

I can give speeches on the evils of spending too much on clothes while rocking Armani. I can pull up to anti-abortion rallies with my would've-been-baby-mama and no one will know. I can give Friday kuthbas, while hoping no one saw Thursday night's tagged pictures of me grinding on some girl at Rich's. I can run to the car during a wedding, have a few drinks, and then make it back in time to recite some Quran on stage. I can go to a masjid and make a 30-minute prayer asking God to protect me from the heathens who date, while my girlfriend is in the ladies section, losing her wudu.

Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but honestly, it's needed. I know I don't normally do this, but I'm going to step out of my satire box for a little bit. I'm sick and tired of these worthless people. It's not even the corrupt politicians in American government or the useless Pakistani government that I'm talking about. That's another monster that I don't think I can affect with some scrubby blog that nobody reads. It's the sickness that has spread to the people around me. People I see every day on Facebook and I read about in these nonsense Pakistani newspapers they stick on my windshield every time I go to pick up some naan.

Just stop it. No one said you had to be religious. If you're going to go up there and talk about religion or world issues, then back it up. Otherwise, don't talk. We don't need people to talk about the problems; we need people to solve them. If you have a girlfriend, it's not a big deal. Honestly, no one cares. But no one made you go up there and go HAM on the people that do. If you want to say interest is from the devil, then don't roll up in your brand new 3-series that you're "islamic-financing." Don't tell me it's wrong to spend excessively and then invite me to your daughter's twelve wedding events that each cost more than my house. You could feed a village in Bangladesh for a month instead of serving Filet Mignon to some spoiled memon kid for the eighth night in a row.

My battle is not with the people that do these things. If someone wants to spend lavishly, they have every right to. God knows, if I had the money, I'd pay a psychic to write my blogs directly from my brain. My problem is with the hypocrites: the ones who post annoying Facebook statuses with their holier-than-thou attitudes and feel that they have the right to pass judgement upon others and that the rules don't apply to them.

No one cares what you do. Just don't go up there and condemn people that partake in those activities that you yourself do. No one said you had to be a role model; you chose to be one. There's a certain responsibility that comes with casting yourself in the public eye. Without actions to back them up, your words are meaningless. Admit to yourself that you enjoy the social benefits of being "religious." Just be honest that you enjoy the attention that you get because you know how to implement the "fear of God" in the hearts of the pseudo-pious. Just because you are good at public-speaking or have some knowledge doesn't mean that you should be giving speeches. Knowledge is not the same as intelligence.

We need legitimate role models: people who have good character and good ideas. We have enough pundits, radio shows, and speakers; we need people who actually follow religion rather than just talk about it. Hypocrisy has an extremely strong stench; we can smell it on you and it smells worse than my colitis. And once we know you're a hypocrite, we want to do exactly what you told us NOT to do, just to spite you. So please, don't talk if you can't back up what you say with your actions. It's counter-productive. We'd rather you just stick to selling cell phones or used cars or whatever it is that you do when you're not polluting the air with your mouth diarrhea.

As a final note, the next person I see who says something that I know that they don't follow...I'm going to call them out. I don't care if it's some random Facebook status or an Islamic speech at a masjid. If you agree with me, I urge you to do the same. We need to stop this sickness. Our community needs people who act, not actors.

So Ramadan XXIII just ended, and as always, it's a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, you know you're going to miss the positive feelings of Ramadan: the brotherhood, the extra blessings, the iftar parties, IHOP sehris at 5 am...but on the other hand, it feels kinda good for things to get back to normal. The most important thing, however, is to never forget the lessons you learn from this holy month. So I've decided to make a list of things I learned this Ramadan.

-stay up all night watching TV, playing games, and hanging out. The later you fall asleep, the later you'll wake up, and the less you'll actually have to fast. Make sure you don't pray at night or do anything stupid like that.

-Find a video game and dedicate all your time to playing it. This will make the fasts seem fast.

-Khatam duas are the perfect time to catch up on some overdue sleep. The lights are off and everyone's focusing on their own sins, so no one will notice if you doze off for 10-15 minutes.

-You're never too old to get Eidi.

-"Staying up all night at the masjid" is the perfect way to stay out all night without your parents badgering you.

-If you're a hafiz, try to find a nice masjid to lead your taraveeh at. That way you can get your name out and get super props. Aunties will be throwing their daughters at you before you can even duck.

-Remember, you're always allowed the first look.

-Donate your yearly Zakat in Ramadan so you can maximize returns.

-Most masjids have free iftars and sehris, so you can eat free food for an entire month, if you're smart and make sure not to frequent the same masjids.

Anyways, I hope this advice helped. See y'all next year. Peace.

I'm sorry to all the infidels that I've offended by being Muslim. I didn't really plan on it; I was born this way. Do you think I'd actually choose to be part of this religion? Do you think it's easy having to stay away from women and Lucky Charms? It sucks, man. I have to deal with all these annoying rules like praying five times a day. Every 5-6 hours I have to take a 5 minute break. It's so irritating. Do you have any idea how unproductive that is? It really cuts into my Starcraft time.

And fasting for a month...it's ridiculous. Have you seen the weather outside? I have to skip lunch every day for 30 days? Forget that. I don't care what it feels like not to have food on the table. I worked hard (well, my parent's did) to get where I'm at it. Being poor is gay, and I'm just not into all that.

Oh, and I really didn't mean to oppress our women in front of you. In Islam, we have this annoying thing where we actually respect our women and honor them for their intelligence and ability, instead of treating them like sex objects and having them walk around half naked for our pleasure. I apologize on behalf of all modestly dressed Muslim women. My bad.

I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry to all the infidels that feel insecure when I'm around. I'm sorry that you have to feel a need to justify your pork and alcoholic habits to me. I personally WISH I could dip my bacon into a bud light every morning, but I just don't have that luxury. Anyways, you guys do what you gotta do. Just please don't post your embarrassing pictures of that night you got wasted on Facebook. I get really jealous, no joke. There's nothing more awesome than a picture of you and your best friend wrestling naked because the two of you had a few too many Heinekens.

I promise I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to try and suppress my flaws. I'll keep my terrorist centers out of your way. This whole Ground Zero Mosque is so stupid. I would like to apologize on behalf of my people. It's disrespectful to build one of our terrorist command centers so close to where that horrible tragedy happened nine years ago. Al-Qaeda may consist of religious, fundamentalist, uneducated, desperate, brainwashed, homicidal maniacs, but everyone knows that they truly represent the views of the other 1.57 billion Muslims.

Anyways, I'm sorry, I don't know where I got the idea that I could freely practice my religion or build peaceful places of worship. Thank you for being so patient with my warped beliefs. If other religions had small percentages of crazy fundamentalists, I'd be burning their holy books too.

Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

Yes, it's true. I'm off the market. It's kind of a long story and it was in the works for awhile, but after careful deliberation, I decided to go through with it.

Yesterday, when I woke up for sehri, my mom and nani ma were saying that it's about time I got engaged. They said that I'm 21 now and pretty far in my education, and that I should consider this type of thing. Plus, all my friends are getting engaged; it's actually the cool thing to do now. Before, we used to play video games and basketball for fun, and now getting engaged is the new fad.

So, I told them I'd start looking. First thing I did was I went to ratedesi.com, but the damn website wouldn't let me look at any of the profiles unless I made an account. So then, I went to eHarmony and made a profile, but I turned up zero results because apparently, there aren't any "attractive, Muslim women who are willing to fulfill my ever whim and desire." I also submitted my "biodata" to shaadi.com, but that didn't work out either.

So then, I decided to go to online forums, and I found this one amazing forum. It consisted mostly of young Muslims posting a lot of interesting topics. It dealt with vital issues such as "Brushing Teeth with Toothpaste while Fasting" and "Teddy Bears: somewhat haram or extremely haram?" I mean, seriously, those are thoughts that keep me up at night. I don't wanna commit shirk because Mr. Snuggles helps me fall asleep.

Anyways, that's beside the point. So I got on the forums and I discovered a very thriving online community. Most importantly it had girls! Even a special "Sister's Section," which I wasn't allowed in. Fortunately, I got access by using my sister's account. Shhh. So, anyways, I started online correspondence with this one member, SwtHijabiHottie4u. I got to know her over time, and by asr, I realized SwtHijabiHottie4u was the person I was looking for.

I talked to my parents, and they said that they told me that I was rushing things and that I needed to slow down. They told me that I should wait until iftar, at least, before I send a rishta. So that's what I did. As soon as my azaan clock started wailing, I stuffed a date in my mouth, and forced my mom to send the proposal. SwtHijabiHottie4u's mother told my mom that they would need time to think it over, especially since they didn't even know my real name or anything about me. So we honored their wishes and told them they could take as long as they wanted. However, the wait for me was insane. I was really into SwtHijabiHottie4uand couldn't wait for her answer. I even added her on Facebook! I was really into it. So I anxiously awaited the response, knowing that this was an important decision and that it would take a long time for them to make it.

Finally, just when I had lost hope and decided that it was game over and that they had probably gotten a few better rishtas since mine, I got the call right before I left for taraveeh. I swear it was the longest hour of my life. SwtHijabiHottie4u's family said they were down for it. So after isha, I asked Sheikh Syed to do the nikkah, and inshAllah, tomorrow is the reception. I would urge you all to try and come. It will be at Lal Masjid in Karachi, Pakistan. However, the rukhsati is in ten years, so I guess none of this even matters :(

I wonder what Heaven will be like. I know there are general descriptions provided in religious text, but I was thinking about more specific details. For example, will each person have their own heaven and their own reality? Or will heaven be a place where like everyone exists together and have their fantasies fulfilled? Or will it be a combination of everyone's version of heaven in one big heaven? For example, if there's a mall in my version of heaven, will Zaid Siddiqui be working at Abecrombie and Fitch? Will Ahmed own his own dojo? Will Kashif be a rockstar nobody cares about? Will Rizwan Ali finally get married?

In any case, I assume Heaven is a place where all my fantasies will be fulfilled. There will be so many fast food restaurants, but none of it will give you the hours of post-fast food agony. Also, the haircuts will still be $2.99, but the barbers will actually speak English and WON'T ask for tip. Desi people will actually smell nice, especially the girls. Speaking of girls, they won't have mouths. Alright, fine, they can have mouths, but they won't be allowed to talk. Or drive. In Heaven, the internet will never go out and all downloads will run around 700-1000 kbs. There will be cell phone signal everywhere we go, and all the starbucks will have free wi-fi (not that garbage $20 tmobile crap). The speed limit in Heaven will be 50 on city driving and 70 on highways. Cars will give 45 mpg and no one will be allowed to drive trucks. And women won't be allowed to drive...did I already mention that? Neither will old people and Bilal Siddiqui.

A few years ago, people told me that I was hafiz. And because I'm hafiz, I'm apparently allowed to save seven people from going to hell. So, yeah, here's my list:

1. Kimbo: he will be my personal body guard.
2. Eminem: he will be my personal rapper.
3. Michael Jackson: he will be my personal dancer.
4. Kobe Bryant: he will be my personal trainer.
5. Jessica Alba: she will be my personal...umm...i'll find a purpose for her.
6. Adil Farooq: he will be my personal jestor.
7. Wildcard

I'm leaving that wildcard open for one of you scrubs who's sure that they're going to hell, but is willing to do my homework for the next two years. Or if I can't get married, I'll use that wildcard to get a wife. I don't know.

Unfortunately, it's that time of the year again. Twice a year, the Muslim community in Houston divides itself on what day Eid is. And by Muslim, I'm including all Muslims, not just Sunnis. But even within Sunnism, there's two Eids. That's how bad it's gotten. There's the ISGH arabs who say that we should go with the people in Saudi Arabia because that's where Hajj takes place and that we should celebrate it on the same days as the people who went to Hajj. Plus they don't have to buy two phone cards to call their relatives. And then there's the Adil/Abid Pakistanis who say that each community should go by the moon sighting in its own town. Both sides have their points, but the result is a divided community.

I propose that instead of arguing about Wednesday versus Friday, we compromise and go with Thursday. That way the Arabs can be happy that the backwards non-Arabs didn't win, and the Pakistanis can be happy that they were at least able to cause SOME fitnah this year.

Dear God:

What's up, man? How are things up there? As you probably already know, everything over here has been pretty good. I really wanted to thank you for all your help. You helped me through my stressful exams, and they turned out well. I was afraid of doing bad in Physics, but thanks to you, I think I owned the final.

I also wanted to thank you for my awesome friends and family. I am extremely grateful that you blessed me with such a good environment. I'm almost never pressured to do things that I don't want to do nor things that you wouldn't want me to do. You're really looking out for me and keeping me safe. Even after all the times I did things that you specifically told me not to do, you still gave me a chance to make up for it. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't purify myself with your infinite mercy.

I also want to thank you for putting up with our transgressions. I know you don't care about the little things that we argue about or the little comments we make. We humans always claim to be fighting and arguing for your sake, but I honestly believe that the ones that do that are nothing more than just ignorant. Please guide the idiots who want to kill each other because they believe that their interpretation of you is better than someone else's. I know that we are just supposed to try and live our lives as morally as possible and that you will judge us in the end. You are the most just and forgiving and it is your job to judge us, not any human's. Please guide those of us who feel that they're your special agents and that they have the right to impose YOUR authority. I know we shouldn't bicker and argue about these little things, but it's in our nature. We should try to understand that humans only act in ways that they feel are right and that they will be judged accordingly. My bad; I will try my best to prevent people from arguing about these minuscule things and claim it's for your sake, when it's really for their own personal agenda.

But mostly, thanks for giving me and the rest of mankind hope. Without you, who would the oppressed call upon to help them get through the toughest of times. Why would we even attempt to go against all odds and do the impossible. If it wasn't for your teachings and rules, I would slowly lose incentive to follow logic and just act blindly on my desires. If there was no set rules in basketball, then people would just foul (like Abid does to me anyways) and do all sorts of illegal plays, which would not make it a game of skill, but a game of who can be the dirtiest player.

But in all seriousness, please don't give up on me or anyone else. No matter how much I learn from your teachings, I need someone that I can ALWAYS depend on. You've blessed me with good family and friends, but I can't call on them when I'm stuck in traffic on the way to an important test or when I need to hit that game winning shot to beat Zaid Siddqui's team in basketball. Those are the times when only YOU can help me, no one else. And if I didn't have full faith that you're always going to be there for me, I don't know who I would turn to. When I am wronged or unjustly treated, I have confidence that you will take care of me. That hope is what keeps me from seeking out my own revenge and continuing a cycle of hatred. Otherwise, I'd have to depend on the justice of this world. And who's that, the cops? That's not absolute justice. There is only one absolute in this universe, and that's you.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I don't think we'll ever fix the errors of our ways. We'll just continue sinning and hope that we can earn your mercy. Thanks for everything you've done for us, even though we don't really deserve it.

You're number one fan,
Imran

PS: Sorry for all the jokes. It's really Adil and Abid's fault; they encourage me.