There exists a creature whose sole purpose is to cause mischief. This agent of Satan goes around preaching the word of God, but the reality is that he just enjoys hearing the sound of his own voice. This keyboard warrior has no actual knowledge or intellect, just a propensity for telling everyone what they are doing is wrong. This Weasel often enters into situations, completely uninvited, to tell everyone about their own faith.

Me: Hey guys, I just got this awesome new promotion! I will be lead engineering director at Halal Engineering Inc!
Weasel: Brother, why would you be so proud of such a haram job?
Me: How is this haram? It's a Muslim owned Engineering Company that builds hospitals in Islamic countries without taking any loans and even has zabiha food in the cafeteria.
Weasel: Brother, don't you work with the opposite gender?
Me: No, they have completely separate offices for men and women.
Weasel: Well, do they offer a 401k retirement plan?
Me: Yes, but they do not invest in any interest bearing accounts.
Weasel: Where is your office located?
Me: Near the beltway.
Weasel: So you pay tolls to get to work and support this kuffar government? HARAM!
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: *checks in to Luigi's Pizza*
Weasel: Brother...
Me: Let me guess, pizza is haram.
Weasel: Actually, I was going to say "Brother's Pizza is better."
Me: Oh, well, I actually do like Brother's Pizza a lot.
Weasel: Yes, but unfortunately, pizza is haram. The Prophet didn't eat pizza, therefore it is biddah to eat pizza.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Check out this new band guys!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know music is haram?
Me: Well, actually there's several reputable Islamic scholars that say certain types of music are acceptable.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know that those scholars are deviant?
Me: Just because they disagree with you, they're deviants?
Weasel: No, it's because they practice deviancy.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Like my Facebook status and I'll tell you where we first met!
Weasel: Brother, you are promoting liking things which are not Allah.
Me: ...it's a standard feature of Facebook!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know Facebook is haram?
Imran: But you're on Facebook right now!
Weasel: Yes, just to tell everyone it's haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: The people killing each other in XYZ country need to stop! Killing innocent people is clearly haram in our religion!
Weasel: Brother, telling people that things are haram is haram.
Me: Don't you realize that's what you just did?
Weasel: Please do not accuse me of telling people what they are doing is haram. Accusing me of that is haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: I just finished reading this awesome surah in the Quran! Y'all should go check it out.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know it is haram to read the Quran on your own without a scholar?
Me: Well, I read it in Arabic and then I read an authorized tafsir in English.
Weasel: Brother, you're not supposed to interpret the Quran on your own. You don't even know Arabic.
Me: Well, where did you get this information?
Weasel: I read it in the Quran.
Me: But you don't know Arabic.
Weasel: Brother, please don't accuse your Muslim brother of committing haram.
Me: So you're saying I can't read the Quran unless I know Classical Arabic and study it with a scholar?
Weasel: Yes.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Hey, Broseph, happy birthday!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know birthdays are haram?
Me: Man, I wish you would lighten up sometimes. Birthdays aren't that serious.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know wishing is haram? You're supposed to make dua.
Me: Is there anything that isn't haram? I can't even read the Quran or use Facebook anymore!
Weasel: Nope. Haram until proven halal.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

So the Weasel will find some form random train of illogical thought or some obscure weak hadith to try and convince you that everything you love is haram (like pizza and birthdays) and that everything you hate is halal (like killing children and hemorrhoids). This is what the Weasel does and there's nothing you can do about it. The best way to deal with the Weasel is to completely ignore him; thus, cutting off his life source: attention.

So Ramadan XXIII just ended, and as always, it's a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, you know you're going to miss the positive feelings of Ramadan: the brotherhood, the extra blessings, the iftar parties, IHOP sehris at 5 am...but on the other hand, it feels kinda good for things to get back to normal. The most important thing, however, is to never forget the lessons you learn from this holy month. So I've decided to make a list of things I learned this Ramadan.

-stay up all night watching TV, playing games, and hanging out. The later you fall asleep, the later you'll wake up, and the less you'll actually have to fast. Make sure you don't pray at night or do anything stupid like that.

-Find a video game and dedicate all your time to playing it. This will make the fasts seem fast.

-Khatam duas are the perfect time to catch up on some overdue sleep. The lights are off and everyone's focusing on their own sins, so no one will notice if you doze off for 10-15 minutes.

-You're never too old to get Eidi.

-"Staying up all night at the masjid" is the perfect way to stay out all night without your parents badgering you.

-If you're a hafiz, try to find a nice masjid to lead your taraveeh at. That way you can get your name out and get super props. Aunties will be throwing their daughters at you before you can even duck.

-Remember, you're always allowed the first look.

-Donate your yearly Zakat in Ramadan so you can maximize returns.

-Most masjids have free iftars and sehris, so you can eat free food for an entire month, if you're smart and make sure not to frequent the same masjids.

Anyways, I hope this advice helped. See y'all next year. Peace.

I'm sorry to all the infidels that I've offended by being Muslim. I didn't really plan on it; I was born this way. Do you think I'd actually choose to be part of this religion? Do you think it's easy having to stay away from women and Lucky Charms? It sucks, man. I have to deal with all these annoying rules like praying five times a day. Every 5-6 hours I have to take a 5 minute break. It's so irritating. Do you have any idea how unproductive that is? It really cuts into my Starcraft time.

And fasting for a month...it's ridiculous. Have you seen the weather outside? I have to skip lunch every day for 30 days? Forget that. I don't care what it feels like not to have food on the table. I worked hard (well, my parent's did) to get where I'm at it. Being poor is gay, and I'm just not into all that.

Oh, and I really didn't mean to oppress our women in front of you. In Islam, we have this annoying thing where we actually respect our women and honor them for their intelligence and ability, instead of treating them like sex objects and having them walk around half naked for our pleasure. I apologize on behalf of all modestly dressed Muslim women. My bad.

I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry to all the infidels that feel insecure when I'm around. I'm sorry that you have to feel a need to justify your pork and alcoholic habits to me. I personally WISH I could dip my bacon into a bud light every morning, but I just don't have that luxury. Anyways, you guys do what you gotta do. Just please don't post your embarrassing pictures of that night you got wasted on Facebook. I get really jealous, no joke. There's nothing more awesome than a picture of you and your best friend wrestling naked because the two of you had a few too many Heinekens.

I promise I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to try and suppress my flaws. I'll keep my terrorist centers out of your way. This whole Ground Zero Mosque is so stupid. I would like to apologize on behalf of my people. It's disrespectful to build one of our terrorist command centers so close to where that horrible tragedy happened nine years ago. Al-Qaeda may consist of religious, fundamentalist, uneducated, desperate, brainwashed, homicidal maniacs, but everyone knows that they truly represent the views of the other 1.57 billion Muslims.

Anyways, I'm sorry, I don't know where I got the idea that I could freely practice my religion or build peaceful places of worship. Thank you for being so patient with my warped beliefs. If other religions had small percentages of crazy fundamentalists, I'd be burning their holy books too.

I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize. I realize that my blog can be sometimes be taken as offensive to some people. I assure you, it's just jokes. I apologize if you take the musings of a random college student too seriously. A lot of my blog posts are about the people I deal with on a daily basis, so I'm sorry if you were too much of a scrub to handle something that you may have inspired. Next time, I'll be sure to only make fun of people that can take a joke or that can understand satire. I need to realize that not everyone can do this, and that's why I find myself having to write this disclaimer. I'm sorry and I hope you can accept my humble apology.

Love,
Imran

Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

It's been really hard these last few months without you. I didn't think this would ever happen to us. I thought you'd be with me forever. I look back and have no idea how things went wrong. Things were perfect for the longest time, but then suddenly everything changed. I had no way of seeing it coming. I knew there were problems and I tried so many different ways to fix things. But it was taking its toll on me. You were causing me so much stress and tension, and it was interfering with my schoolwork. Everyone saw the affect you were having on me. I really couldn't believe how bad things had gotten. After we made it through our roughest episode, I thought we might have a chance, but I knew deep down, things could never be the same. Regardless, I decided to give you one last chance. Things were looking up for awhile, but then you started giving me problems again, and I knew what I had to do. I knew we had to part ways. It was what was best for me. I'm sorry, but I had no choice. It's been rough without you. You were always a part of me, and I just want you to know that I won't ever be able to replace you. And if I ever do, things just won't be as perfect as they used to be. Goodbye, my colon.

Yes, it's true. I'm off the market. It's kind of a long story and it was in the works for awhile, but after careful deliberation, I decided to go through with it.

Yesterday, when I woke up for sehri, my mom and nani ma were saying that it's about time I got engaged. They said that I'm 21 now and pretty far in my education, and that I should consider this type of thing. Plus, all my friends are getting engaged; it's actually the cool thing to do now. Before, we used to play video games and basketball for fun, and now getting engaged is the new fad.

So, I told them I'd start looking. First thing I did was I went to ratedesi.com, but the damn website wouldn't let me look at any of the profiles unless I made an account. So then, I went to eHarmony and made a profile, but I turned up zero results because apparently, there aren't any "attractive, Muslim women who are willing to fulfill my ever whim and desire." I also submitted my "biodata" to shaadi.com, but that didn't work out either.

So then, I decided to go to online forums, and I found this one amazing forum. It consisted mostly of young Muslims posting a lot of interesting topics. It dealt with vital issues such as "Brushing Teeth with Toothpaste while Fasting" and "Teddy Bears: somewhat haram or extremely haram?" I mean, seriously, those are thoughts that keep me up at night. I don't wanna commit shirk because Mr. Snuggles helps me fall asleep.

Anyways, that's beside the point. So I got on the forums and I discovered a very thriving online community. Most importantly it had girls! Even a special "Sister's Section," which I wasn't allowed in. Fortunately, I got access by using my sister's account. Shhh. So, anyways, I started online correspondence with this one member, SwtHijabiHottie4u. I got to know her over time, and by asr, I realized SwtHijabiHottie4u was the person I was looking for.

I talked to my parents, and they said that they told me that I was rushing things and that I needed to slow down. They told me that I should wait until iftar, at least, before I send a rishta. So that's what I did. As soon as my azaan clock started wailing, I stuffed a date in my mouth, and forced my mom to send the proposal. SwtHijabiHottie4u's mother told my mom that they would need time to think it over, especially since they didn't even know my real name or anything about me. So we honored their wishes and told them they could take as long as they wanted. However, the wait for me was insane. I was really into SwtHijabiHottie4uand couldn't wait for her answer. I even added her on Facebook! I was really into it. So I anxiously awaited the response, knowing that this was an important decision and that it would take a long time for them to make it.

Finally, just when I had lost hope and decided that it was game over and that they had probably gotten a few better rishtas since mine, I got the call right before I left for taraveeh. I swear it was the longest hour of my life. SwtHijabiHottie4u's family said they were down for it. So after isha, I asked Sheikh Syed to do the nikkah, and inshAllah, tomorrow is the reception. I would urge you all to try and come. It will be at Lal Masjid in Karachi, Pakistan. However, the rukhsati is in ten years, so I guess none of this even matters :(

I got a weird call the other day. I didn't know the number, it was a different area code. So I picked up, and I was like "hello?" and then the person paused for a bit and was like "...hello?" And then I was like "hey what's up? who's this?" and then she's like "oh hey, i'm the devil." This is how the rest of the conversation went:

Imran: oh..really?
Devil: yeah, fo real.
Imran: can you prove it?
Devil: alrite fine. you were currently about to master-
Imran: OK! I believe you! So, how'd you get my number?
Devil: i got it from Kashif.
Imran: oh..damn. so what's up?
Devil: I just wanted to let you know, keep up the good work.
Imran: ...what are you talking about?
Devil: you're doing a good job, man. I really appreciate your effort.
Imran: thanks...but i thought i was a good guy.
Devil: naw, man you're a great guy. all the stuff you do is really helping me out
Imran: really? like what.
Devil: well first of all, i just wanted to let you know that you're a really funny guy. those religious jokes are really awesome. Tell that one about Jesus and Mohammed walking into a bar!
Imran: Oh...naw I've been trying to stop those.
Devil: Dude, they're awesome, I can get you an HBO special if you want. I did the same for Russel Peters.
Imran: no, it's ok.
Devil: Also, I love how you lead on the ladies.
Imran: umm...i don't think i do that.
Devil: of course you do. always cracking jokes with them, plus your devilish good looks. and right when they fall for you, they find out you're gay and they can't have you.
Imran: damn, even you think I'm gay? I'M NOT GAY!
Devil: oh, then why do you walk like that? and what's your obsession with Haris?
Imran: can't help it, and the Haris thing is just a joke.
Devil: oh, alright. fine stay in the closet. but i do have a problem with one of the things you do.
Imran: what's that?
Devil: you're always making fun of wahabis and braelvis and making them look bad.
Imran: ...but I thought you'd like that!
Devil: naw man, if it wasn't for those guys, I wouldn't have a job. Wahab and Braelv...they really helped me out back in the 1930's when things were getting boring.
Imran: damn, so you're behind these brainwashed scrubs arguing over nothing?
Devil: yeah, that's me. and I'm also behind the West Coast vs. East Coast beef, the Shaq vs. Kobe beef, and the Rehan vs. everyone else beef.
Imran: Damn, ok. But umm...I don't think I can keep helping you.
Devil: why the hell not?
Imran: because I don't wanna go to hell.
Devil: oh...well f you then.
Imran: ...go to hell.
Devil: come on man. its really not that bad. its just really hot and ruled by a dictator. think of it as Rehan's house, without AC.
Imran: I don't even go to his house that much. And I really like AC.
Devil: maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. Help me help you.
Imran: naw man, i'll pass.
Devil: alrite thats, fine. you know, you're pretty cute. you wanna discuss this stuff over dinner sometime?
Imran: no, man. i don't go out with girls. i'm gonna get an arranged marriage to some village girl in Pakistan. or a cousin.
Devil: oh, sucks to be you. anyways, i look forward to meeting you in two years. Salaam.
Imran: two years? what are you talking about? hello? devil?

yeah, so that's my conversation with the devil. what a bitch.

As most citizens should be doing, I've been following the 2008 Election campaign for some time. Unfortunately, none of the candidates seem to appeal to me. First of all, I'm not voting Republican because who knows what will happen if we get another George W. in office. I don't like Hillary because she's ruthless and rude. If she's our next president, then the rest of the world will hate us. Barack talks good, but I don't know if can walk the walk. In fact, by the way he talks, he comes off as an idealist to me. Someone with ideas, but not much more beyond that.

So because of all this, I've decided that the only way this country will ever get fixed is if I run for President. So yeah, I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the President of United States. Here are some of my views on specific issues.

Heathcare: We should abolish all doctors. That way, there won't be health costs, such as high insurance rates. Instead, we should invest the money we save into extensive Ta'weez research. For the people that don't know what a Ta'weez is, its a kind of good-luck charm that SOME Muslims use to keep monsters away from them. If we give every citizen a Ta'weez, then no one will ever get sick. Plus, the average citizen will save thousands of dollars by not having to pay for health insurance. The only problem is the Haseeb party will call my Healthcare plan an "innovation," which is apparently a bad thing.

Affirmative Action: If I'm elected President, I will totally get rid of the idea of Affirmative Action, and replace it with the idea of Defermative Action. Under this plan, we will assassinate all garbage rappers, like Soulja Boy and Hurricane Chris. These rappers, who rap about "apple bottom jeans" and "superman'ing hoes," are single-handily destroying black culture. Hell, now I can't even enjoy laffy taffy without feeling dirty thanks to garbage rap. Once all these scrub rappers are abolished, then I believe African American society will flourish even more.

Gay Rights: One of the biggest topics today is the issue of gay rights. A lot of homosexual want the right to get married. Under my regime, I will institute a program of "ungayness" called the "Zaid Siddiqui Plan." This plan will involve sending naked pictures of Zaid to every gay person in America. By doing so, I believe we will scare them straight. If this plan fails, then we'll just send all gay people to Bangladesh.

Yeah, so vote for me for President, you won't regret it.

I'm insanely in love with you. You are my everything. I am weak and you are my strength. I am a penis and you are my condom. I am a hand and you are my glove. You're the ketchup on my fries and the masala on my food. You are the meeta in my paan and the roti to my salaan. You are the ranch on my hot wings. I am that stupid waitress at China King that always asks for tip, and you are my tip. I am a black girl and you are my weave. You are the Halo to my Xbox 360 and the Super Smash Bros Brawl to my Wii. You're the Tracy to my Yao. You're the Shabaz to my Ilyas. I am Adil and you are my Abid. I am 2girls and you are my 1cup. You are the Zelda to my Link and the Peach to my Mario. You are the Sarosh to my AW. You are the gajar to my halwa. I am Bangali and you are my fish. I am Kashif and you are my Lamb of Shit. I am Shariq and you are my Fajr Program. You are the tabacco in my cigarettes. I am a random internet nerd and you are my Ron Paul. I am George Bush and you are my Iraq War. You are the Benazir to my Bhutto. I'm Saad and you are my "dang." I am Shaheed Ahmed Khan and you are my young Asian girl. You are the Zaid Siddiqui to my Sufyan and the Zaid Noor to my Bilal Siddiqui. You're the Haris to my Jangda and the Saad to my Shaheed. You're the Rehan's cousin to my Rehan. I am Safwan and you are my Pikachu. You're the black to my Saad. You're the fascism to my Haseeb. You are Abishek Bachan and I am Umair Silat.

When you are with me, everything makes sense. When you smile and laugh, my day goes by better. You complete me. You are like that long piece in tetris when I have four lines of garbage. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what I'd do.

I love you, I really do.

As our life continues through this continuation that we refer to as time, we realize that we cannot relive those previous events that defined us. Instead, we can only look to the events that are forthcoming; the very same events that will continue to define us. So do we ignore the changes that life throws our way, or do we adapt to them, learn from them, and ultimately better ourselves because of them. Do we allow these changes to penetrate our condom of confidence, or do we decide to not wear a condom at all? However, if we allow our confidence to be broken, then that is the only way new life can form. A new child, by the name of Future, shall be born of this embrace of change. These are the thoughts that cause my pillow to be soaked with tears of regret and tears of anticipation. Alas, I pity the fool who does not recognize satire when he reads it. Penis.