Breakup Excuse

Breakups suck. That's just the truth. Sometimes things end badly, and the two people can't remain friends. Actually, that's the case most of the time. So the girl (because 99% of the time it's her fault) has to come up with reasons for her friends as to why the guy isn't around. She can't say, "Oh, he's not around because I was a selfish, lying, cheating biznitch and he dumped my arse." Instead, she has to come up with lies, often exaggerated, so that she doesn't look bad. Well, here are some of the lies that my MANY, MANY ex-girlfriends have told their friends/families, as to why I disappeared.

-"Imran turned out to be gay. He apparently had some fling with one of his Bangali friends."
-"I found out that Imran was selling crystal meth behind madrasah. I knew that those "Smash tonight?" texts he'd get from his friends meant something else."
-"Imran dropped outta school to pursue a rap career. "
-"Imran was cheating on me. I found out that he was calling some random girl named "Aisha" on his phone bill. And I called one of his other friends from his phone, Safwan, and a GIRL picked up. She claimed to be Safwan, but I know that wasn't a guy on the phone."
-"Imran was into some really shady things. He used to hang out with all these weird guys, like Adil, Abid, Ahmed, Haris, and Safwan. Those guys looked like they were up to no good."
-"One of his friends, Rehan, threatened to beat me up."
-"Me and Imran differed on religious beliefs. He was into all sorts of weird things like praying five times a day and reading crazy Arabic gibberish. I'm not down with that. That's just not baller to me."
-"Kashif."
-"He used to always compare me to some guy named Ferhan. And he'd always tell me that he wishes I would be more like Ferhan."
-"Imran was really psychotic. One time, he ripped out his own colon to prove a point. I can't handle things like that."