God Damn It

I'm sorry to all the infidels that I've offended by being Muslim. I didn't really plan on it; I was born this way. Do you think I'd actually choose to be part of this religion? Do you think it's easy having to stay away from women and Lucky Charms? It sucks, man. I have to deal with all these annoying rules like praying five times a day. Every 5-6 hours I have to take a 5 minute break. It's so irritating. Do you have any idea how unproductive that is? It really cuts into my Starcraft time.

And fasting for a month...it's ridiculous. Have you seen the weather outside? I have to skip lunch every day for 30 days? Forget that. I don't care what it feels like not to have food on the table. I worked hard (well, my parent's did) to get where I'm at it. Being poor is gay, and I'm just not into all that.

Oh, and I really didn't mean to oppress our women in front of you. In Islam, we have this annoying thing where we actually respect our women and honor them for their intelligence and ability, instead of treating them like sex objects and having them walk around half naked for our pleasure. I apologize on behalf of all modestly dressed Muslim women. My bad.

I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry to all the infidels that feel insecure when I'm around. I'm sorry that you have to feel a need to justify your pork and alcoholic habits to me. I personally WISH I could dip my bacon into a bud light every morning, but I just don't have that luxury. Anyways, you guys do what you gotta do. Just please don't post your embarrassing pictures of that night you got wasted on Facebook. I get really jealous, no joke. There's nothing more awesome than a picture of you and your best friend wrestling naked because the two of you had a few too many Heinekens.

I promise I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to try and suppress my flaws. I'll keep my terrorist centers out of your way. This whole Ground Zero Mosque is so stupid. I would like to apologize on behalf of my people. It's disrespectful to build one of our terrorist command centers so close to where that horrible tragedy happened nine years ago. Al-Qaeda may consist of religious, fundamentalist, uneducated, desperate, brainwashed, homicidal maniacs, but everyone knows that they truly represent the views of the other 1.57 billion Muslims.

Anyways, I'm sorry, I don't know where I got the idea that I could freely practice my religion or build peaceful places of worship. Thank you for being so patient with my warped beliefs. If other religions had small percentages of crazy fundamentalists, I'd be burning their holy books too.