Role Model

I like to consider myself a heavy thinker. I spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts. My sisters complain because I take 45-minute showers in which I analyze the dilemmas of the day: which class is the best in Monday Night Combat and why desi girls are obsessed with doctors.

Okay, so one day, while I was taking one of my thought-showers, I realized something important: there needs to be some serious change in this world. There are so many problems today: floods, disappearing middle class, deterioration of art, selfish rich people who don't care about helping the needy, hate crimes in the name of religion, money-hungry insurance companies, corrupt politicians, and the list goes on.

I also realized one more thing: I'm amazing. I came to the conclusion that I'm incredibly smart to have figured all of this out. If these problems exist, then that means no one else knows about them and that it's my responsibility to do something to make the world a better place. So I came up with this awesome idea...I'm going to become a speaker!

I've decided that I'm going to contribute to the greater good by talking. I'm going to go to all these different places and give speeches on these issues that only I know about. I'm going to change the world, one Facebook status at a time.

So here's where my idea becomes really awesome: people are going to LOVE me. I'm going to use big words, talk enthusiastically, invoke religion when necessary, and people are just going to eat it up. The genius of it is that I'm not going to actually have to do anything because I'm already doing my part by talking about the problems instead of actually solving them. Basically, I can do whatever I want as long as I'm making the world a better place with my mouth.

I can give speeches on the evils of spending too much on clothes while rocking Armani. I can pull up to anti-abortion rallies with my would've-been-baby-mama and no one will know. I can give Friday kuthbas, while hoping no one saw Thursday night's tagged pictures of me grinding on some girl at Rich's. I can run to the car during a wedding, have a few drinks, and then make it back in time to recite some Quran on stage. I can go to a masjid and make a 30-minute prayer asking God to protect me from the heathens who date, while my girlfriend is in the ladies section, losing her wudu.

Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but honestly, it's needed. I know I don't normally do this, but I'm going to step out of my satire box for a little bit. I'm sick and tired of these worthless people. It's not even the corrupt politicians in American government or the useless Pakistani government that I'm talking about. That's another monster that I don't think I can affect with some scrubby blog that nobody reads. It's the sickness that has spread to the people around me. People I see every day on Facebook and I read about in these nonsense Pakistani newspapers they stick on my windshield every time I go to pick up some naan.

Just stop it. No one said you had to be religious. If you're going to go up there and talk about religion or world issues, then back it up. Otherwise, don't talk. We don't need people to talk about the problems; we need people to solve them. If you have a girlfriend, it's not a big deal. Honestly, no one cares. But no one made you go up there and go HAM on the people that do. If you want to say interest is from the devil, then don't roll up in your brand new 3-series that you're "islamic-financing." Don't tell me it's wrong to spend excessively and then invite me to your daughter's twelve wedding events that each cost more than my house. You could feed a village in Bangladesh for a month instead of serving Filet Mignon to some spoiled memon kid for the eighth night in a row.

My battle is not with the people that do these things. If someone wants to spend lavishly, they have every right to. God knows, if I had the money, I'd pay a psychic to write my blogs directly from my brain. My problem is with the hypocrites: the ones who post annoying Facebook statuses with their holier-than-thou attitudes and feel that they have the right to pass judgement upon others and that the rules don't apply to them.

No one cares what you do. Just don't go up there and condemn people that partake in those activities that you yourself do. No one said you had to be a role model; you chose to be one. There's a certain responsibility that comes with casting yourself in the public eye. Without actions to back them up, your words are meaningless. Admit to yourself that you enjoy the social benefits of being "religious." Just be honest that you enjoy the attention that you get because you know how to implement the "fear of God" in the hearts of the pseudo-pious. Just because you are good at public-speaking or have some knowledge doesn't mean that you should be giving speeches. Knowledge is not the same as intelligence.

We need legitimate role models: people who have good character and good ideas. We have enough pundits, radio shows, and speakers; we need people who actually follow religion rather than just talk about it. Hypocrisy has an extremely strong stench; we can smell it on you and it smells worse than my colitis. And once we know you're a hypocrite, we want to do exactly what you told us NOT to do, just to spite you. So please, don't talk if you can't back up what you say with your actions. It's counter-productive. We'd rather you just stick to selling cell phones or used cars or whatever it is that you do when you're not polluting the air with your mouth diarrhea.

As a final note, the next person I see who says something that I know that they don't follow...I'm going to call them out. I don't care if it's some random Facebook status or an Islamic speech at a masjid. If you agree with me, I urge you to do the same. We need to stop this sickness. Our community needs people who act, not actors.