Breakups suck. That's just the truth. Sometimes things end badly, and the two people can't remain friends. Actually, that's the case most of the time. So the girl (because 99% of the time it's her fault) has to come up with reasons for her friends as to why the guy isn't around. She can't say, "Oh, he's not around because I was a selfish, lying, cheating biznitch and he dumped my arse." Instead, she has to come up with lies, often exaggerated, so that she doesn't look bad. Well, here are some of the lies that my MANY, MANY ex-girlfriends have told their friends/families, as to why I disappeared.

-"Imran turned out to be gay. He apparently had some fling with one of his Bangali friends."
-"I found out that Imran was selling crystal meth behind madrasah. I knew that those "Smash tonight?" texts he'd get from his friends meant something else."
-"Imran dropped outta school to pursue a rap career. "
-"Imran was cheating on me. I found out that he was calling some random girl named "Aisha" on his phone bill. And I called one of his other friends from his phone, Safwan, and a GIRL picked up. She claimed to be Safwan, but I know that wasn't a guy on the phone."
-"Imran was into some really shady things. He used to hang out with all these weird guys, like Adil, Abid, Ahmed, Haris, and Safwan. Those guys looked like they were up to no good."
-"One of his friends, Rehan, threatened to beat me up."
-"Me and Imran differed on religious beliefs. He was into all sorts of weird things like praying five times a day and reading crazy Arabic gibberish. I'm not down with that. That's just not baller to me."
-"Kashif."
-"He used to always compare me to some guy named Ferhan. And he'd always tell me that he wishes I would be more like Ferhan."
-"Imran was really psychotic. One time, he ripped out his own colon to prove a point. I can't handle things like that."

I believe in a deeper enlightenment than most people. That in order to truly unleash your potential, you must accept more than what is the social norm. You must realize that right and wrong is not simple. It does not come from what society seems normal. It comes from within. And you will face tests in your life to determine if you are truly enlightened. And these tests will often require you to laugh in the face off what you already know. If you accept the truth, and are able to find it within yourself, then you will be able to witness things you did not know you could comprehend. Suddenly, everything will make sense. It's only once you're ready to accept the truth, will you truly be worthy of it.

Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

It's been really hard these last few months without you. I didn't think this would ever happen to us. I thought you'd be with me forever. I look back and have no idea how things went wrong. Things were perfect for the longest time, but then suddenly everything changed. I had no way of seeing it coming. I knew there were problems and I tried so many different ways to fix things. But it was taking its toll on me. You were causing me so much stress and tension, and it was interfering with my schoolwork. Everyone saw the affect you were having on me. I really couldn't believe how bad things had gotten. After we made it through our roughest episode, I thought we might have a chance, but I knew deep down, things could never be the same. Regardless, I decided to give you one last chance. Things were looking up for awhile, but then you started giving me problems again, and I knew what I had to do. I knew we had to part ways. It was what was best for me. I'm sorry, but I had no choice. It's been rough without you. You were always a part of me, and I just want you to know that I won't ever be able to replace you. And if I ever do, things just won't be as perfect as they used to be. Goodbye, my colon.

Yes, it's true. I'm off the market. It's kind of a long story and it was in the works for awhile, but after careful deliberation, I decided to go through with it.

Yesterday, when I woke up for sehri, my mom and nani ma were saying that it's about time I got engaged. They said that I'm 21 now and pretty far in my education, and that I should consider this type of thing. Plus, all my friends are getting engaged; it's actually the cool thing to do now. Before, we used to play video games and basketball for fun, and now getting engaged is the new fad.

So, I told them I'd start looking. First thing I did was I went to ratedesi.com, but the damn website wouldn't let me look at any of the profiles unless I made an account. So then, I went to eHarmony and made a profile, but I turned up zero results because apparently, there aren't any "attractive, Muslim women who are willing to fulfill my ever whim and desire." I also submitted my "biodata" to shaadi.com, but that didn't work out either.

So then, I decided to go to online forums, and I found this one amazing forum. It consisted mostly of young Muslims posting a lot of interesting topics. It dealt with vital issues such as "Brushing Teeth with Toothpaste while Fasting" and "Teddy Bears: somewhat haram or extremely haram?" I mean, seriously, those are thoughts that keep me up at night. I don't wanna commit shirk because Mr. Snuggles helps me fall asleep.

Anyways, that's beside the point. So I got on the forums and I discovered a very thriving online community. Most importantly it had girls! Even a special "Sister's Section," which I wasn't allowed in. Fortunately, I got access by using my sister's account. Shhh. So, anyways, I started online correspondence with this one member, SwtHijabiHottie4u. I got to know her over time, and by asr, I realized SwtHijabiHottie4u was the person I was looking for.

I talked to my parents, and they said that they told me that I was rushing things and that I needed to slow down. They told me that I should wait until iftar, at least, before I send a rishta. So that's what I did. As soon as my azaan clock started wailing, I stuffed a date in my mouth, and forced my mom to send the proposal. SwtHijabiHottie4u's mother told my mom that they would need time to think it over, especially since they didn't even know my real name or anything about me. So we honored their wishes and told them they could take as long as they wanted. However, the wait for me was insane. I was really into SwtHijabiHottie4uand couldn't wait for her answer. I even added her on Facebook! I was really into it. So I anxiously awaited the response, knowing that this was an important decision and that it would take a long time for them to make it.

Finally, just when I had lost hope and decided that it was game over and that they had probably gotten a few better rishtas since mine, I got the call right before I left for taraveeh. I swear it was the longest hour of my life. SwtHijabiHottie4u's family said they were down for it. So after isha, I asked Sheikh Syed to do the nikkah, and inshAllah, tomorrow is the reception. I would urge you all to try and come. It will be at Lal Masjid in Karachi, Pakistan. However, the rukhsati is in ten years, so I guess none of this even matters :(

For those of you who don't know, a FAQ is a frequently asked question. Unfortunately, people ask me some really stupid ass questions. Sometimes it's because they've never seen a Muslim or a Hafiz before. Sometimes it's because they are stupid. I'm going to do you guys a favor and answer these questions right now.

Q: Do you talk to girls?
A: No, I don't. I walk around with a blindfold so I don't have to look at girls. If a girl calls my name or tries to draw attention to herself, I Rock Bottom her (with my eyes still closed and gloves on so I don't touch her). I don't even talk to my sisters because it's possible that they aren't really my sisters and that my family has been lying to me this whole time.

Q: How many of your friends are terrorists?
A: Define "terrorist." If by terrorist you mean someone that would kill innocent people for the sake of something really stupid, then I guess yeah, I do have some terrorist friends. I'm pretty sure Rehan would kill over a Smash Brothers match. Besides, the only killing I do is killing clowns on the basketball court. OHHHH.

Q: What is deoderant? (I swear to god this was asked to me by an old desi uncle)
A: Ok, lemme put it in terms you can understand. It's a magic stick that will solve all your problems.

Q: Should women be allowed to drive?
A: Well, actually, I don't see why women should feel the need to leave the house. In fact, if we put a bed in the kitchen, then wouldn't even need to leave their cages.

Q: So you actually memorized the ENTIRE quran?
A: No, I just memorized every other line. Also, I accidentally memorized one of the paras backwards. I also like to make up stuff while I'm leading namaz. It's mostly gibberish.

Q: If I make dua for you, will you make dua for me?
A: No, because that's not a fair trade. Because I'm Hafiz, I'm a superior being to you. Becaues I'm Hafiz, all my actions and beliefs are irrelevant and I'm automatically going to heaven. So, no, I won't waste my time doing dua for you, unless you pay me. I accept paypal.

Q: Why don't you celebrate Christmas?
A: For the same reason you don't celebrate my religious holidays: Ramdhan, Eid 1 & 2, and Eminem's birthday.

Q: Do nonmuslims go to heaven?
A: Actually, I'm not even sure most muslims get to go to heaven. I'll be damned (literally) if Saddam Hussein or Kashif gets into heaven.

Q: Are you going to have an arranged marriage?
A: Option 1: Try my odds, play the field, go through the trouble of finding girls, filtering through those girls to find a mate, then testing her out as a potential wife, then marrying her only to find out six months later that she doesn't know how to make gajar halwa.

Option 2: Give my mom a list of requirements (see my first post), and let her do all the work. That way, I can blame her if things don't work out.

Q: How do you feel about hijab?
A: Saves girls the trouble of having to get 50 dollar haircuts from Ulta and making their hair every day. Besides, there's plenty of hot-jabis, so I wouldn't mind hooking up with one.

Q: How do you feel about homosexuality?
A: As long as they aren't trying to flirt with me (which unfortunatly seems to happen to me more than it should), I'm ok with it. And yes, I flirted with the gay guy at Jack-in-the-Box for some extra ranch sauce. At least I hope it was ranch. (I bet you guys were expecting a Zaid Siddiqui joke, weren't you?)

Ok, that's all the questions I could think of. Every single one of these questions has been asked to me before. They aren't all stupid, but still, I can make fun of whatever I want because it's my blog. Feel free to ask me stupid questions in the comments, and I'll try to answer them. Godspeed.

Seeing as it has been over two months since my last update, this post should be really good. It should be the most creative thing I've ever written. It should inspire you to go do some good. It should really offend you, but too much so that you'll keep coming back. It should reveal some crazy things about me and give you some insight into what I'm thinking. It should really make you think and laugh at the same time. It should make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it that way." It should get me at least ten rishtas before the end of this year. It should be the wittiest satire ever written. It should make all other bloggers delete their blogs out of respect to me. It should get me jobs at Time Magazine and Comedy Central. It should get me a contract with Pendant Publishing. It should get me my own cable TV show called "Jangrafeld." It should give me the power to influence others. This post should be really good.

Too bad it isn't.