As most citizens should be doing, I've been following the 2008 Election campaign for some time. Unfortunately, none of the candidates seem to appeal to me. First of all, I'm not voting Republican because who knows what will happen if we get another George W. in office. I don't like Hillary because she's ruthless and rude. If she's our next president, then the rest of the world will hate us. Barack talks good, but I don't know if can walk the walk. In fact, by the way he talks, he comes off as an idealist to me. Someone with ideas, but not much more beyond that.

So because of all this, I've decided that the only way this country will ever get fixed is if I run for President. So yeah, I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the President of United States. Here are some of my views on specific issues.

Heathcare: We should abolish all doctors. That way, there won't be health costs, such as high insurance rates. Instead, we should invest the money we save into extensive Ta'weez research. For the people that don't know what a Ta'weez is, its a kind of good-luck charm that SOME Muslims use to keep monsters away from them. If we give every citizen a Ta'weez, then no one will ever get sick. Plus, the average citizen will save thousands of dollars by not having to pay for health insurance. The only problem is the Haseeb party will call my Healthcare plan an "innovation," which is apparently a bad thing.

Affirmative Action: If I'm elected President, I will totally get rid of the idea of Affirmative Action, and replace it with the idea of Defermative Action. Under this plan, we will assassinate all garbage rappers, like Soulja Boy and Hurricane Chris. These rappers, who rap about "apple bottom jeans" and "superman'ing hoes," are single-handily destroying black culture. Hell, now I can't even enjoy laffy taffy without feeling dirty thanks to garbage rap. Once all these scrub rappers are abolished, then I believe African American society will flourish even more.

Gay Rights: One of the biggest topics today is the issue of gay rights. A lot of homosexual want the right to get married. Under my regime, I will institute a program of "ungayness" called the "Zaid Siddiqui Plan." This plan will involve sending naked pictures of Zaid to every gay person in America. By doing so, I believe we will scare them straight. If this plan fails, then we'll just send all gay people to Bangladesh.

Yeah, so vote for me for President, you won't regret it.

First of all, this post is dedicated to my valentine, as of 9:21 this morning, Nabil Parwez. Enjoy.

I tried to keep in touch, okay, look,
some glitch unfriended us on facebook.
Same thing happened with myspace,
and you're no longer in my faves,
I've tried calling you, to no avail,
but I always get your voicemail.
I've been trying to text you,
ever since I heard Haseeb left you.
Apparently, you called him scary-mean,
Cause he called you a hoe for wearing jeans.
He wouldn't let you talk to your friend Bob,
and didn't let you go anywhere without Niqab.
So, you were like, "Hell no, I'm no ninja,
and you're a hypocrite, you don’t even instinja."
So, one day after speech-and-debate,
you met this high schooler named Zaid.
He was kinda cute, so you were like "Let's go,"
and ignored the fact that he was kinda metro.
He dressed nice and talked great,
he even wore an argyle on the first date.
He seemed too good to be true,
but he was, cause he did suddenly leave you.
And you begged and cried, "WHY?"
He responded, "cause I like guys."
But your fling with Rehan was a worse stint,
because he was impossible to converse with.
Not to mention, he was brutally honest,
And all he talked about were Batman comics.
When you were mad, he'd be like "okay, go!
leave me alone, I'm playing halo,
Don't piss me off, or we're not making up,
I'll turn into the Hulk and start breaking stuff.
Whatever, I don't need you, let's stop,
You're nothing compared my xbox."
So now you're all depressed,
and wondering who to go to next.
So you went on a friend's persuasion,
and met a kid who you heard liked asians.
You decided to go on this blind date,
hoping you might find fate.
But when you got there, he turned around,
because he realized that you were brown,
He was like "Man this is a disaster,
I'm an effin TKD master.
You think you're asian? Bitch, please,
you don't even know Japanese.
I'm out girl, I'm leaving,
like King Charles from Sweden.
I'm a nerd now? Don't even start that,
I'm going home to play Starcraft."
So you left thinking, "I'll give it one last try,
I'll try dating a black guy!"
You wanted to find a fine G,
And you heard of this guy on p90.
So you met up this kid named Saad,
But when you saw him, you thought, "Oh, god"
He wasn't black, but had that skin tone,
he probably doesn't even have his own ring tone.
You had your heart set on dating a rapper,
And then you heard this high pitched laughter.
You heard of a boy that spits rhymes to Bhangra,
Of course, I'm talking about Lil Bangla,
His sick freestyles got him honorable mention,
at the third annual BAGH convention.
So you asked him, if he'd give it a try,
but he's like "Naw, I'm not a one woman guy."
Finally, after all your wishing,
he decided to take you fishing.
But things started getting weird,
when you noticed fish in his beard,
which gave you an unconscious message,
that maybe this cat has a fish fetish,
and your silly notions came true,
when he picked up his rod and said "I love you."
So you're like "Whatever, I’m outtie,
continue this dinner without me."
And he's like "I don't need a date
as long I still have my fishing bait,"
So now your attitude is "This isn't worth it,
this isn't how I'm going to find Mr. Perfect,
Guys like this are dime-a-dozen."
So you went to Pakistan and married your cousin.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm a simple guy. I have a few good friends, a lot of acquaintances, and awesome family. I have almost no enemies; there is no one that cringes when I see them. There are very few people that when I see them, I awkwardly look at my phone and pretend not to see them (don't act like you don't do that, you dirty bastards). Fortunately, I'm on good terms with almost everyone I know. I can say this is true for most of the people I hang out with. We see no need to complicate our lives with useless garbage and drama. The biggest dilemma in my life is whether we go to China King or Eastern Grill after juma. And that's mostly because Adil and Abid are Eastern Grill lobbyists.

Unfortunately, most people don't see things like me. They aren't satisfied with a simple life. They need more and more complications. They need endless baby-mama drama. They can't leave their crappy circle of self-destruction. After all, life without drama is boring, isn't it? Isn't it SO much fun to cry your heart out because your boyfriend cheated on you? Don't you have the time of your life when your friends don't talk to you anymore because you started doing drugs? And I can't think of anything better than a Sunday morning hangover. Well, don't come to me when some thugs are coming to kick your ass because you flirted with the wrong girl. Don't come to me; I'm going to be at Rehan's house playing Halo.

Well, I'm stuck. I've been trying to think of something to write in my blog for the past ten days. I even gave myself a deadline, that I'd write a good, solid post by the 28th, which is today. I don't know what's wrong, but I can't think of anything to write.

So, I'd like some suggestions. Just comment, and I'll write about it. Serious, funny, advice, emo whatever. If you post it, I WILL write about it; no exceptions and no rules. But if it's extremely retarded, then I reserve the right to NOT write about it. Also, you don't need an account to comment, and you can even comment anonymously. Let's just see what the readers can come up with.


Hasan: Gajar Halwa. Females.
What they have in common.

Dang, girls are like fresh gajar ka halwa. You're mom puts it out, and it's all ready to eat, and it smells amazing, but then she's like, "NO YOU CAN'T EAT IT, UNTIL THE GUESTS ARRIVE!!!" Well, the gajar ka halwa has been out for eight years now, and I'm still waiting for the damn party.


For those of you who don't know what gajar ka halwa is, it's the best food ever invented. Here's a picture:



Lil Bangla (Adil): make a post written entirely in Urdu.

Oy, kuta, mera pesa kahn hein?!? Panch, chein mene hogya hein, or tum ne mera ek lak rupee abhi tak nahin deya hein. Agar ek hafta mein nahin mila, me tere gar ake tere ko nanga kardu gan. Me teri shalwar ko utar doon gah or chadi ko tere sar pe lagadun ga. Me tereko sabke samne tati nikal dun gah. Oy, sala harami, me tera chota ghost ko kat dun gah. Me tereko itna marun ga, tumhara chera saad ka jese kala ho jai ga. Oy, oola ka patha, tum kya samaj tein ho? Me tumko nahein dunsakta? Mere ko sab kuch patha hein. SAB KUCH. Mere ko be pata hein tum konsa rung chadi pen re ho. LAL, kuta...LAL. Intazar kar, pagal kuta, intazar kar.

All the best,
Adil Farooq

TRANSLATION (Ibn Jangda): "Oh, dog, where's my money? Five-six months have passed and you never paid me my 100, 000 rupees. If I don't get it in a week, I'ma make you naked. I will take your pants off and put your underwear over your head. I will make your liquid feces come out in front of everyone. Oh, jerk-bastard, I will cut off your small meat. I will beat you so bad, that your face will be as black as Saad's. Oh, owl's feces, what do you think? That I can't find you? I know everything. EVERYTHING. I also know what color underwear you are wearing. Red, dog...red. Just wait, crazy dog, just wait."

All the best,
Adil Farooq


Haris: write like you have some kind of mental disease

I'm going to vote for Ron Paul in the 2008 presidential election.


Shaheed: write about something good. Thats not garbage. BTW this post was garbage

Let's see...something that's not garbage. I guess I could write about the crisis in Balochistan. It's interesting because like they could take a lesson from King Charles I of Sweden or the early Mongolians during the Ottoman empire. If they followed their example, then perhaps we shouldn't have the fighting in Chechnia or Azerbaijan or Rajastan. During the 50s, the Japanese performed horrible experiments on the Chinese, which was used as research for animes. That's why everyone should learn Japanese. Animes are such a good view on society. For example, in Dragon Ball Z, if you collect all the Dragon balls, you get one wish, which includes bringing back the dead. Another good one is Tenken Topa Luran Guran. Man, those lessons can really help you in life. Dang, you know, izallgud though, cuz like whatever. Man, izallgud. But like, when I play Starcraft I think of very interesting things. I was thinking that there should be a subway system in every city in the world. If Bangladesh took a lesson from the warrior Kashratia class and established a subway system, then all their economic problems would be solved. So what if Bangladesh is below the sea level. So what if it the subway system floods, izallgud. At least the people will be able to get from place to place, even if its an underwater subway system. If you wanna see some real non-garbage, check out Shaheed's awesome blog: http://khanshaheed.blogspot.com. Dang, no need to patronize me. Izallgud, for now, I will take my leave. Godspeed and godbless.

I will never be able to figure out women. That is it. I don't know if this is true of every heterosexual guy or if it's just me, but I don't think I'll ever understand what goes through their heads. Whether its my friends or my relatives, I honestly feel like they speak another language and operate on another frequency. For example, when a girl asks you for your opinion...she doesn't want your opinion.

Example:
Girl: yeah, so jessica was such a bitch and like i got this new purse and she saw it and its this really aMaZiNg purse from my favorite store...XPRESS!!! and like all the girls were like "O M G that is such an awesome purse!!! =) but then jessica said that it was a nice purse and im just thinking like wtf why didnt she say it was SO EFFIN AMAZING and shes such a bitch and OMG she thinks shes all that cuz her bf is hot, but i think zaid is not that hot, he's alrite, but his lil brother sufyan is SOOO cute...OMG! id totally let him take me to homecoming...but jessica is still the biggest bitch ever...do u think im overreacting?
Imran: well, Jessica did say its nice...
Girl: OMG you totally dont understand...LOLL youre such a guy...
Imran: ok, ima go kill myself
Girl: ok, BYE!!!! =D

This is what she wants to hear:

Imran: yeah you're 100% right
Girl: OMG, you are so smart. If only you were straight, I'd totally marry you!!!!
Imran: I am.
Girl: i gtg, BYE!!!! =D

Another Example:
Girl: wut do u think of this RAD outfit i just got!?!?!
Imran: umm, its nice, i guess...wuts wrong with ur old outfit?
Girl: OMG!!! you cant wear the same thing twice, DUH!!!
Imran: wuts wrong with that?
Girl: DUDE! wut if theres one person that was at the party i went to and saw that ive worn this outfit before??? then all my friends would stop talking to me and no one would marry me and i wouldnt get a job and i'd die alone....!!! HELP ME!!!
Imran: ok, ima go play xbox now.
Girl: go play ur stupid kiddy GAMES! ima go count the number of shoes i have and listen to avril lavigne and eat some rocky road.

However, guys are pretty easy to figure out. I think it can all be explained in this Spiderman comic I found on LueLinks:

Yeah, so Adil and Abid were over the other day and they were playing Geometry Wars like they normally do. We were all taking turns. We usually score around 100,000-200,000 points a game, but Abid had this one crazy game where we scored 700,000 points. It was so crazy. And when it finished, my 360 gave the following message:



Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.

I'm insanely in love with you. You are my everything. I am weak and you are my strength. I am a penis and you are my condom. I am a hand and you are my glove. You're the ketchup on my fries and the masala on my food. You are the meeta in my paan and the roti to my salaan. You are the ranch on my hot wings. I am that stupid waitress at China King that always asks for tip, and you are my tip. I am a black girl and you are my weave. You are the Halo to my Xbox 360 and the Super Smash Bros Brawl to my Wii. You're the Tracy to my Yao. You're the Shabaz to my Ilyas. I am Adil and you are my Abid. I am 2girls and you are my 1cup. You are the Zelda to my Link and the Peach to my Mario. You are the Sarosh to my AW. You are the gajar to my halwa. I am Bangali and you are my fish. I am Kashif and you are my Lamb of Shit. I am Shariq and you are my Fajr Program. You are the tabacco in my cigarettes. I am a random internet nerd and you are my Ron Paul. I am George Bush and you are my Iraq War. You are the Benazir to my Bhutto. I'm Saad and you are my "dang." I am Shaheed Ahmed Khan and you are my young Asian girl. You are the Zaid Siddiqui to my Sufyan and the Zaid Noor to my Bilal Siddiqui. You're the Haris to my Jangda and the Saad to my Shaheed. You're the Rehan's cousin to my Rehan. I am Safwan and you are my Pikachu. You're the black to my Saad. You're the fascism to my Haseeb. You are Abishek Bachan and I am Umair Silat.

When you are with me, everything makes sense. When you smile and laugh, my day goes by better. You complete me. You are like that long piece in tetris when I have four lines of garbage. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what I'd do.

I love you, I really do.