In my humble 27 years on this planet, one of the things I've learned is that you should always be careful of someone who acts as if they have nothing to lose. This person is usually only concerned with self-preservation and their actions will ultimately compromise the people around them.
Posted in Rants .
There exists a creature whose sole purpose is to cause mischief. This agent of Satan goes around preaching the word of God, but the reality is that he just enjoys hearing the sound of his own voice. This keyboard warrior has no actual knowledge or intellect, just a propensity for telling everyone what they are doing is wrong. This Weasel often enters into situations, completely uninvited, to tell everyone about their own faith.
Me: Hey guys, I just got this awesome new promotion! I will be lead engineering director at Halal Engineering Inc!
Weasel: Brother, why would you be so proud of such a haram job?
Me: How is this haram? It's a Muslim owned Engineering Company that builds hospitals in Islamic countries without taking any loans and even has zabiha food in the cafeteria.
Weasel: Brother, don't you work with the opposite gender?
Me: No, they have completely separate offices for men and women.
Weasel: Well, do they offer a 401k retirement plan?
Me: Yes, but they do not invest in any interest bearing accounts.
Weasel: Where is your office located?
Me: Near the beltway.
Weasel: So you pay tolls to get to work and support this kuffar government? HARAM!
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: *checks in to Luigi's Pizza*
Weasel: Brother...
Me: Let me guess, pizza is haram.
Weasel: Actually, I was going to say "Brother's Pizza is better."
Me: Oh, well, I actually do like Brother's Pizza a lot.
Weasel: Yes, but unfortunately, pizza is haram. The Prophet didn't eat pizza, therefore it is biddah to eat pizza.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: Check out this new band guys!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know music is haram?
Me: Well, actually there's several reputable Islamic scholars that say certain types of music are acceptable.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know that those scholars are deviant?
Me: Just because they disagree with you, they're deviants?
Weasel: No, it's because they practice deviancy.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: Like my Facebook status and I'll tell you where we first met!
Weasel: Brother, you are promoting liking things which are not Allah.
Me: ...it's a standard feature of Facebook!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know Facebook is haram?
Imran: But you're on Facebook right now!
Weasel: Yes, just to tell everyone it's haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: The people killing each other in XYZ country need to stop! Killing innocent people is clearly haram in our religion!
Weasel: Brother, telling people that things are haram is haram.
Me: Don't you realize that's what you just did?
Weasel: Please do not accuse me of telling people what they are doing is haram. Accusing me of that is haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: I just finished reading this awesome surah in the Quran! Y'all should go check it out.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know it is haram to read the Quran on your own without a scholar?
Me: Well, I read it in Arabic and then I read an authorized tafsir in English.
Weasel: Brother, you're not supposed to interpret the Quran on your own. You don't even know Arabic.
Me: Well, where did you get this information?
Weasel: I read it in the Quran.
Me: But you don't know Arabic.
Weasel: Brother, please don't accuse your Muslim brother of committing haram.
Me: So you're saying I can't read the Quran unless I know Classical Arabic and study it with a scholar?
Weasel: Yes.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
Me: Hey, Broseph, happy birthday!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know birthdays are haram?
Me: Man, I wish you would lighten up sometimes. Birthdays aren't that serious.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know wishing is haram? You're supposed to make dua.
Me: Is there anything that isn't haram? I can't even read the Quran or use Facebook anymore!
Weasel: Nope. Haram until proven halal.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.
So the Weasel will find some form random train of illogical thought or some obscure weak hadith to try and convince you that everything you love is haram (like pizza and birthdays) and that everything you hate is halal (like killing children and hemorrhoids). This is what the Weasel does and there's nothing you can do about it. The best way to deal with the Weasel is to completely ignore him; thus, cutting off his life source: attention.
So I was reading some old blog posts and I noticed that I often wrote about what was going on in my own life, and the lives of those around me. I even predicted my friends' futures and who they would marry! Since it's been a few years, I figured I owe you all an update:
I always joked that Haris would become a famous rapper named Lil Bangla. While he is following in the footsteps of his father by studying Petroleum Engineering, his mixtape "My Mom Found My Pack" remains unreleased.
Upon realizing that his political idol Ron Paul won't be running for President in 2016 and that Rand Paul is a bigger joke than his father was, Zahid found himself in quite a bind. Seeing as he knows nothing about politics, he had only two options: convince Ron Paul's grandson to run for President or run for President himself. I wouldn't mind supporting Zahid, since he's a good friend, but I don't think America is ready for another black president.
Of all my friends, I would say Ferhan has had the most success. He's doing one of those Morgan Spurlock 30-day challenges: he is only allowed to eat pizza and buy things off of SlickDeals for an entire month. If he completes the challenge, he will get a lifetime of unlimited Luigi's, a moderator position at SlickDeals, and Kiran will finally agree to marry him.
Rehan actually got married...to a girl...that he didn't meet on Xbox live. And she's real! However, the rest of my marriage prediction for him did kinda come true...
Due to frustration that the girl Ahmed loved married someone that looks just like him, Ahmed is currently dating someone that looks just like her. The only problem is that the girl is allergic to cats and that she doesn't exist.
Abid got into medical school and is currently in pursuit of the Soda to his Woda. The only problem is that his criteria are WAY too specific: must be a Hafiza, must be his height, must share the same Islamic ideologies as him, must be Punjabi...in fact, the only person he knows that fits those criteria is Adil. As a result, their relationship has gotten really complicated.
And since we're on the topic of marriage, I feel as though I owe you an update about myself. Despite my strong distaste for Pakistani culture and its definition of marriage, I was tricked into marrying someone. Our arrangement is simple: Alina gets to tell everyone that she's married to this big shot hafiz/engineer and I get to prove to everyone that I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Gay marriage is the cool thing nowadays. Everyone feels marriage is an outdated concept, unless you're gay. Committed relationships are SOOO 1990.
I work for Corporate America now and couldn't be more excited. They don't actually pay me though. Our arrangement is simple: I get to tell everyone I'm some big shot engineer, and I get all the coffee I can drink, unlimited water cooler conversation, and a few business cards. Oh and a corporate email address...can't forget that.
Despite paying so much in taxes to Uncle Sam, I'm always sitting in traffic because Houston is taking forever to build a metro-rail (due to pressure from oil & gas lobbyists), Comcast still operates as a monopoly and is ripping everyone off, Fogo de Chao is still non-zabiha, and to top it all off, my vote goes straight in the trash because I live in an overwhelmingly red state. Might as well vote for Ironman or Javed's cat in 2016. Oh well, at least my tax return was $300.
Speaking of cats, I have two cats now. The only issue is that I can't find any zabiha cat food. Also, Tango wasn't too keen on fasting in Ramadan. And I'm pretty sure Nina is Jewish. She always bites me whenever I post a #freepalestine status.
So that's all I have for now, just thought I'd touch on a little nostalgia before this blog gets too serious. Peace.
When I started this blog six years ago, it was an avenue for me to make fun of my friends. From that, it developed into a sarcastic blog critiquing the people in our hypocritical society and eventually became a platform for me to rant and express my views in a way that didn’t annoy people. After all, you had to visit the website to see the posts: they weren't bombarding your newsfeed or anything.
Anyways, I stopped blogging a few years ago because I decided it’d be better for me not to make fun of people and to keep my opinions to myself. For a year or two this was working out good for me, but in the last year, I’ve found my writing muscles starved for exercise. I find myself writing long Amazon reviews about socks and politically charged Facebook essays. In order to prevent subjecting everyone to my holier-than-thou attitude, I’ve decided to start blogging again. I intend on ranting about every little thing that annoys me, making fun of the unfortunate souls that chose to be my friends, taking shots at the people you all look up to, and preaching about how we can improve the community we live in.
Long story short, I’m back and I intend on updating frequently, so stay tuned! Or not…it’s up to you.
If you need a refresher, here are a few of my favorite posts from back in the day:
What up, girl?
Engagement Announcement
Stupid FAQs
Devil
Marriage
Dear God
Post here and I'll predict your future
I understand the frustration and pain that the Muslims have been feeling as of late. For the last month, we've all been bombarded with images of innocent people being killed and our politicians just don't seem to care. Why is that? Before we jump into your standard conspiracy theories and “Jews control everything” garbage, let’s actually analyze our own behavior, as a community:
1) We claim that politicians don't care about us, right? How many of us vote in midterm elections or primaries? How many of us are politically active? Before this recent chain of events, how many of us had even attended a protest or written a Congressman? I know I hadn't. We showed complete apathy to what is going on in the world, until about a month ago. Until we are willing to participate in the political process, we will always be ignored. We need less Muslim doctors, engineers, accountants, franchise owners and more Muslim journalists, reporters, politicians, writers, public speakers, activists. We literally don't have a voice. And if we don't have a voice...THEY DON’T GET TO HEAR OUR SIDE OF THE STORY.
2) Bashing Obama (or any other politician) for not standing up for Palestine is stupid. There has not been, nor will there be for at least the next decade or two, a Commander-in-Chief that is sympathetic to the Palestinian cause. There is simply no way to get that far up in the political system, in either political party, with those beliefs (e.g. Ron Paul). Politicians are not altruistic public servants...they are diplomats. I'm not saying that they are evil or immoral; I'm just saying that they won't sacrifice their political careers for a self-absorbed population that doesn't even vote. They are a part of the system, and if you want them on your team, you have to learn to play their game and speak their language. (On a side note, I have a lot of respect for that Muslim government official that resigned in Britain a couple of days ago).
3) Why does the American population protect the interests of the Jewish community? They're only about 1.5-2% of the population of the US, yet their community's needs are always addressed. No, it's not a Jewish conspiracy funded by caramel macchiatos and diet colas. And if you want to say it's because the Jewish community has more money...go visit Dubai, Qatar, or Kuwait and tell me which religious community has more money. It's because they know the game. They vote, they lobby, they back political candidates that they know will protect their interests, while we rally behind third party candidates that don't have a shot in hell. They play the game and Muslims refuse to.
4) 80 years ago, no politician cared about women. 50 years ago, no politician cared about African Americans. 15 years ago, no politician cared about homosexuals. Now, those three interest groups are some of the most powerful forces in American politics. Appealing to women, African-American, and LBGT voters is VITAL in order to get elected. How did they accomplish this? By unifying, getting a single voice, and making things happen. When was the last time the Muslims had a leader that they could rally behind? The only Muslims I see in media are those progressive apologists who write books like "Islam: Please Like Us."
5) Muslims are not unified. We are constantly arguing among ourselves. Forget the fact that all the sects of Islam isolate themselves and are always disagreeing: even within Sunni Islam, we are constantly arguing. The only time Sunnis get along is when they bash Shias, Ismailis, or Qadianis...WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON WHAT DAY EID IS. When was the last time you saw Christians arguing about what day Easter is or Hindus arguing about what day Diwali is? Until we get unified and let go our small differences for the great good, no one is going to take our concerns as a community seriously.
6) We need better community leaders. Period. Our current leaders are more focused on photo-ops with politicians than pushing for the advancement of the American Muslim. They were standing with Sheila Jackson Lee at every Eid prayer and now she's standing with Israel. The first time I met Tom Delay was at Synott Masjid and I had no idea what a corrupt Islamaphobic bigot he was at the time. Looking back, I cannot believe we let that Devil anywhere near a masjid. In addition to that, our current leaders bring too much tribalism from the countries they come from. “Arabs eat outside meat.” “Pakistanis don’t know how to read Arabic properly.” “Turkish people pray weird.” our current leaders are focused on representing their small sects (Braelvis, Deobandis, Salafis, Sufis) rather than unifying. Instead of combining ideas and learning from the diversity of American Islam, we just stick to our old ways and argue about whether you can do wudu with socks on or not. Our community leaders refuse to evolve. I only pray that our next generation of leaders is better. We don't need more masjids to represent every division of Islam there is...we need people to come together, not break apart into their comfort zones.
7) Stop posting random articles from random no-name websites. The Internet is full of false articles, photo-shopped pictures, and propaganda and NO ONE is verifying the links that they are posting. I'm ashamed at some of the ignorant things I've seen Muslims post in the last month.
So everyone knows that when it comes to girls, I got mad game. I don't even have to try but every once in awhile, I run into a tough case. So there's this Persian girl (let's call her P) that I've been stalking for a few months now and she finally responded to my Facebook requests. So this is what I wrote on her wall and her responses:
I: thank you for unblocking me. now we can be friends. i like you, P. you are very pretty.
P: hahahha you so stupid! :)))))
P: creeper.... which is your mother land? lmao
I: why creeper? i just wna b ur friend :(
I: i am looking for lasting friendship
P: it is illegal to have lasting friendship with weirdos in this country lol
I: do you speak farsi? khalgoosha wa joonam ya kosh wa nada? i wnt to mary farsi grl.
P: ok, you're shia too????
I: i m shi3 too. i vud like to skipe wit u, ya joonam.
I: my email is PapaParsiKhalgoosh@ahmadinejad.gov
P: but you smell like curry and stale sweat...
[Luiz likes this]
I: who is this luiz? r u chting on me? i wanted u to b my mama parsi :(
P: i ain't no one's mama parsi!!!ok, get back to work :D
I: ok i go back to work at nike factory. may ahmadinejad shower u with blessings. tk care, joonam.
Long story short, we got married and have three kids now. Haris was the best man at the wedding. The end.