Marriage

Dang, all these scrubs are getting married pretty early. 21, 20...even as young as 15. The reality is that my friends are probably going to start getting married soon, which is pretty gay, because I have no intention of getting hitched within the next few years (AT LEAST). However, to each his own. In any case, I have a few predictions, like always, as to what I think is going to go down over the next 2-3 years.

Adil and Abid are going to marry a pair of Punjabi braelvettes. These girls will be so pious, that they will willingly submit themselves to house arrest. Adil and Abid are going to place ankelettes on their wives that automatically shocks them whenever they leave the house. If they ever need to get something from the car, or get groceries, they will have to ask Adil to bring it home on the way back from his work at the circus.

Haseeb is going to marry a girl so strict, that she even wears abaya in front of him. One day, he will test her and ask her to take her abaya off when its just him, and she'll say "NO!" This act will turn him on, something that hasn't happened to him since he was 12 (that day at Madinah Masjid, remember?)

Haris is going to end up hooking up with one of his black Lil Bangla fans. However, he will later find out that she's not really African-American, but just a really dark shade of Bangali Brown.

Rehan is not going to settle for anything less than Queen Nerd. He will meet her on xbox live, after she pwned him 28-1 in Call of Duty 4. This act will turn him on, something that hasn't happened to him since he was 12. He will meet her up, they will become friends, and fall in love. On their wedding day, Rehan will be like "So, mom, what do you think of her?" His mom will absentmindedly respond, "Oh, I've liked her since she was a little girl." Then Rehan will be like, "OMG SHE'S MY COUSIN, ISNT SHE!!! YOU TRICKED ME." At that point, he will evolve into the Incredible Hulk and destroy everything at the wedding, even the Wii's they had set up for the guests to play. In response, she will evolve into She-Hulk, calm him down and explain that she is his cousin, but that doesn't mean they can't love each other. Damning society, they will remain married, and have three sons named Spiderman, Batman, and Kashif.

Kashif is going to marry some chick he meets at a Lamb of Shit concert. At first, it will just be a casual fling, but when he finds out that she likes Ron Paul and showing up at people's houses randomly, he'll realize its fate and marry her that day. The lead singer of Lamb of Shit, Lamb Shit, will perform the ceremony. He will have three sons named Ron, Paul, and Maynard.

Ahmed (dang this is too easy) is going to marry some half japanese-half sindhi chick that he meets at an Anime cosplay convention. She will be dressed as Amane Misa, and he will be dressed as Light. She will share the same philosophical views as him: "izallgud," "dang," and of course, "wsup, yo."

Zaid Siddiqui is going to marry...oh, who am I kidding, we all know he's gay.

Safwan is going to meet some girl on Luelinks. They will run away together and get married. She will be just like him: nice, funny, and a chronic procrastinator. As a result, nothing will ever get accomplished.

Raheel is going to search for the perfect girl. His criteria are simple: she must be as perverted as him, and she must have bigger breasts than him. Seeing as this girl doesn't exist, he will settle for some girl he repo's for his dealership because her dad didn't pay his car bills.

Hasan is going to start a thread on CY forums about something obscure, like some book he read or how much he loves Hani, and then some girl will start correspondence with him through that thread. Eventually, the nazi moderators at Crescent Youth will shutdown the thread and place it in the Fitnah Archives. So, then, there will be a fatwa passed, by Sheikh Nooh Ha Meem Sajdah, that he has to marry her or he'll lose his Wahabi status. So he does, and they go to Hogwarts for their honeymoon.

Bilal is going to start looking for a girl to marry him. Unfortunately, no one is going to want to marry someone that dresses better than them. Therefore, he will just end up marrying a Malaysian robot girl, made of parts from used MacBooks and iPods. However, even though it is against her programming, she will eventually divorce him because of all the awkward moments at the dinner table.

I guess I should predict my own marriage, huh? Well, I think it's pretty obvious. I am going to be at the screening of Jessica Alba's newest movie. After the movie, I will realize that I was sitting next to Jessica Alba the whole time. Jessica Alba will ask me, "What did you think of the movie?" And Ima be like "It sucked balls, just like 'Into the Blue,' 'Fantastic Four,' and most of your movies." And then Jessica Alba will be like, "Omg, no1s ever been honest with me before." So then, we're going to go out to get some coffee and Jessica Alba will ask me about my beard, and I'm like "Oh, its because I'm Muslim." And then I'll tell her about Islam. Jessica Alba will then become a hijabi and a pious Muslim. After that, Jessica Alba will ask me "Oh, how do you get married in Islam?" And Ima be like "You have to marry the person that introduced you to Islam." So then, Ima marry Jessica Alba, and we'll fall in love. However, I won't let Jessica Alba change her name to Jessica Jangda. That way I can still introduce her to my friends as Jessica Alba. The End.

I've lost my touch, have I? By the way, if anyone else wants to have their marriage predicted, just post, and I'll TRY my best to predict who they end up with.