The Devil

I got a weird call the other day. I didn't know the number, it was a different area code. So I picked up, and I was like "hello?" and then the person paused for a bit and was like "...hello?" And then I was like "hey what's up? who's this?" and then she's like "oh hey, i'm the devil." This is how the rest of the conversation went:

Imran: oh..really?
Devil: yeah, fo real.
Imran: can you prove it?
Devil: alrite fine. you were currently about to master-
Imran: OK! I believe you! So, how'd you get my number?
Devil: i got it from Kashif.
Imran: oh..damn. so what's up?
Devil: I just wanted to let you know, keep up the good work.
Imran: ...what are you talking about?
Devil: you're doing a good job, man. I really appreciate your effort.
Imran: thanks...but i thought i was a good guy.
Devil: naw, man you're a great guy. all the stuff you do is really helping me out
Imran: really? like what.
Devil: well first of all, i just wanted to let you know that you're a really funny guy. those religious jokes are really awesome. Tell that one about Jesus and Mohammed walking into a bar!
Imran: Oh...naw I've been trying to stop those.
Devil: Dude, they're awesome, I can get you an HBO special if you want. I did the same for Russel Peters.
Imran: no, it's ok.
Devil: Also, I love how you lead on the ladies.
Imran: umm...i don't think i do that.
Devil: of course you do. always cracking jokes with them, plus your devilish good looks. and right when they fall for you, they find out you're gay and they can't have you.
Imran: damn, even you think I'm gay? I'M NOT GAY!
Devil: oh, then why do you walk like that? and what's your obsession with Haris?
Imran: can't help it, and the Haris thing is just a joke.
Devil: oh, alright. fine stay in the closet. but i do have a problem with one of the things you do.
Imran: what's that?
Devil: you're always making fun of wahabis and braelvis and making them look bad.
Imran: ...but I thought you'd like that!
Devil: naw man, if it wasn't for those guys, I wouldn't have a job. Wahab and Braelv...they really helped me out back in the 1930's when things were getting boring.
Imran: damn, so you're behind these brainwashed scrubs arguing over nothing?
Devil: yeah, that's me. and I'm also behind the West Coast vs. East Coast beef, the Shaq vs. Kobe beef, and the Rehan vs. everyone else beef.
Imran: Damn, ok. But umm...I don't think I can keep helping you.
Devil: why the hell not?
Imran: because I don't wanna go to hell.
Devil: oh...well f you then.
Imran: ...go to hell.
Devil: come on man. its really not that bad. its just really hot and ruled by a dictator. think of it as Rehan's house, without AC.
Imran: I don't even go to his house that much. And I really like AC.
Devil: maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. Help me help you.
Imran: naw man, i'll pass.
Devil: alrite thats, fine. you know, you're pretty cute. you wanna discuss this stuff over dinner sometime?
Imran: no, man. i don't go out with girls. i'm gonna get an arranged marriage to some village girl in Pakistan. or a cousin.
Devil: oh, sucks to be you. anyways, i look forward to meeting you in two years. Salaam.
Imran: two years? what are you talking about? hello? devil?

yeah, so that's my conversation with the devil. what a bitch.