Presidential Campaign

As most citizens should be doing, I've been following the 2008 Election campaign for some time. Unfortunately, none of the candidates seem to appeal to me. First of all, I'm not voting Republican because who knows what will happen if we get another George W. in office. I don't like Hillary because she's ruthless and rude. If she's our next president, then the rest of the world will hate us. Barack talks good, but I don't know if can walk the walk. In fact, by the way he talks, he comes off as an idealist to me. Someone with ideas, but not much more beyond that.

So because of all this, I've decided that the only way this country will ever get fixed is if I run for President. So yeah, I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the President of United States. Here are some of my views on specific issues.

Heathcare: We should abolish all doctors. That way, there won't be health costs, such as high insurance rates. Instead, we should invest the money we save into extensive Ta'weez research. For the people that don't know what a Ta'weez is, its a kind of good-luck charm that SOME Muslims use to keep monsters away from them. If we give every citizen a Ta'weez, then no one will ever get sick. Plus, the average citizen will save thousands of dollars by not having to pay for health insurance. The only problem is the Haseeb party will call my Healthcare plan an "innovation," which is apparently a bad thing.

Affirmative Action: If I'm elected President, I will totally get rid of the idea of Affirmative Action, and replace it with the idea of Defermative Action. Under this plan, we will assassinate all garbage rappers, like Soulja Boy and Hurricane Chris. These rappers, who rap about "apple bottom jeans" and "superman'ing hoes," are single-handily destroying black culture. Hell, now I can't even enjoy laffy taffy without feeling dirty thanks to garbage rap. Once all these scrub rappers are abolished, then I believe African American society will flourish even more.

Gay Rights: One of the biggest topics today is the issue of gay rights. A lot of homosexual want the right to get married. Under my regime, I will institute a program of "ungayness" called the "Zaid Siddiqui Plan." This plan will involve sending naked pictures of Zaid to every gay person in America. By doing so, I believe we will scare them straight. If this plan fails, then we'll just send all gay people to Bangladesh.

Yeah, so vote for me for President, you won't regret it.