I'm insanely in love with you. You are my everything. I am weak and you are my strength. I am a penis and you are my condom. I am a hand and you are my glove. You're the ketchup on my fries and the masala on my food. You are the meeta in my paan and the roti to my salaan. You are the ranch on my hot wings. I am that stupid waitress at China King that always asks for tip, and you are my tip. I am a black girl and you are my weave. You are the Halo to my Xbox 360 and the Super Smash Bros Brawl to my Wii. You're the Tracy to my Yao. You're the Shabaz to my Ilyas. I am Adil and you are my Abid. I am 2girls and you are my 1cup. You are the Zelda to my Link and the Peach to my Mario. You are the Sarosh to my AW. You are the gajar to my halwa. I am Bangali and you are my fish. I am Kashif and you are my Lamb of Shit. I am Shariq and you are my Fajr Program. You are the tabacco in my cigarettes. I am a random internet nerd and you are my Ron Paul. I am George Bush and you are my Iraq War. You are the Benazir to my Bhutto. I'm Saad and you are my "dang." I am Shaheed Ahmed Khan and you are my young Asian girl. You are the Zaid Siddiqui to my Sufyan and the Zaid Noor to my Bilal Siddiqui. You're the Haris to my Jangda and the Saad to my Shaheed. You're the Rehan's cousin to my Rehan. I am Safwan and you are my Pikachu. You're the black to my Saad. You're the fascism to my Haseeb. You are Abishek Bachan and I am Umair Silat.

When you are with me, everything makes sense. When you smile and laugh, my day goes by better. You complete me. You are like that long piece in tetris when I have four lines of garbage. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what I'd do.

I love you, I really do.

Unfortunately, it's that time of the year again. Twice a year, the Muslim community in Houston divides itself on what day Eid is. And by Muslim, I'm including all Muslims, not just Sunnis. But even within Sunnism, there's two Eids. That's how bad it's gotten. There's the ISGH arabs who say that we should go with the people in Saudi Arabia because that's where Hajj takes place and that we should celebrate it on the same days as the people who went to Hajj. Plus they don't have to buy two phone cards to call their relatives. And then there's the Adil/Abid Pakistanis who say that each community should go by the moon sighting in its own town. Both sides have their points, but the result is a divided community.

I propose that instead of arguing about Wednesday versus Friday, we compromise and go with Thursday. That way the Arabs can be happy that the backwards non-Arabs didn't win, and the Pakistanis can be happy that they were at least able to cause SOME fitnah this year.

Dear God:

What's up, man? How are things up there? As you probably already know, everything over here has been pretty good. I really wanted to thank you for all your help. You helped me through my stressful exams, and they turned out well. I was afraid of doing bad in Physics, but thanks to you, I think I owned the final.

I also wanted to thank you for my awesome friends and family. I am extremely grateful that you blessed me with such a good environment. I'm almost never pressured to do things that I don't want to do nor things that you wouldn't want me to do. You're really looking out for me and keeping me safe. Even after all the times I did things that you specifically told me not to do, you still gave me a chance to make up for it. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't purify myself with your infinite mercy.

I also want to thank you for putting up with our transgressions. I know you don't care about the little things that we argue about or the little comments we make. We humans always claim to be fighting and arguing for your sake, but I honestly believe that the ones that do that are nothing more than just ignorant. Please guide the idiots who want to kill each other because they believe that their interpretation of you is better than someone else's. I know that we are just supposed to try and live our lives as morally as possible and that you will judge us in the end. You are the most just and forgiving and it is your job to judge us, not any human's. Please guide those of us who feel that they're your special agents and that they have the right to impose YOUR authority. I know we shouldn't bicker and argue about these little things, but it's in our nature. We should try to understand that humans only act in ways that they feel are right and that they will be judged accordingly. My bad; I will try my best to prevent people from arguing about these minuscule things and claim it's for your sake, when it's really for their own personal agenda.

But mostly, thanks for giving me and the rest of mankind hope. Without you, who would the oppressed call upon to help them get through the toughest of times. Why would we even attempt to go against all odds and do the impossible. If it wasn't for your teachings and rules, I would slowly lose incentive to follow logic and just act blindly on my desires. If there was no set rules in basketball, then people would just foul (like Abid does to me anyways) and do all sorts of illegal plays, which would not make it a game of skill, but a game of who can be the dirtiest player.

But in all seriousness, please don't give up on me or anyone else. No matter how much I learn from your teachings, I need someone that I can ALWAYS depend on. You've blessed me with good family and friends, but I can't call on them when I'm stuck in traffic on the way to an important test or when I need to hit that game winning shot to beat Zaid Siddqui's team in basketball. Those are the times when only YOU can help me, no one else. And if I didn't have full faith that you're always going to be there for me, I don't know who I would turn to. When I am wronged or unjustly treated, I have confidence that you will take care of me. That hope is what keeps me from seeking out my own revenge and continuing a cycle of hatred. Otherwise, I'd have to depend on the justice of this world. And who's that, the cops? That's not absolute justice. There is only one absolute in this universe, and that's you.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I don't think we'll ever fix the errors of our ways. We'll just continue sinning and hope that we can earn your mercy. Thanks for everything you've done for us, even though we don't really deserve it.

You're number one fan,
Imran

PS: Sorry for all the jokes. It's really Adil and Abid's fault; they encourage me.

I am currently rewatching Rurouni Kenshin for the third time. Yeah, it's that good. Here are some good quotes I've picked up. I'm going to add more as I keep watching it.

"You can raise a dog with food, and a man with money, but no man is able to raise a wolf of Mibu." -Saitoh

"Aku Soku Zan (Slay Evil Insantly)" -Saitoh

"Killing yourself is easy; living on is what takes courage" -Kenshin

"Just because you die doesn't mean that the people you killed will come back to life. Instead, using this sword to save just one more life is repentance in the truest sense." -Kenshin

"If you're begging for your life, why don't you ask the money you love so much" -Kenshin (credit Raheel)

Hi, my name is Saad, and I'm an alcoholic,
My parents had a baby and they didn't know what to call it,
I don't know why they named me Saad,
I think it was cuz I was initially a paad,
when I came out, my parents were surprised,
"How on Earth did I give birth to a black guy?
This can't be real, this must be fake,
Doctor, there's been a mistake!"
"Sir, I assure you that's your child,
and please stop acting wild."
"But that can't be my son, see,
he's supposed to be Saraiki."
"Sir you're gonna have to leave us,
if you don't, we'll cut off his penis."
That's exactly what they did,
and that's why I'm not a 100% black kid,
So now the only girls I can get are asian,
I can't find any girls of my persuasion,
Girls won't give me any digits, let alone one word,
They kicked me out of Chinese Club for being an anime nerd,
I'm hafiz, but they say I read without spirit,
and everyone talks about Imran Ahmed's qirat,
Any girl he wants, he can have,
He just looks at them with eye contact.
He was always better, that's what people would tell us,
and his good looks always made me jealous.
I love Imran Ahmed, more than a brother,
I'm glad that we don't have the same mother,
We were destined to be together, that's what people told us,
Way before he drove a pink ford focus,
Way before he fell in love with American cars,
People said me and him were gonna go far,
I love his car and the way he turns it on,
especially when he calls it his "decepticon."
Sometimes we talk on the phone till dawn,
till we hear the Imran Ahmed fajr azaan.
But we also argue and fight,
he thinks he's better than me at Counterstrike,
but I'm better there's no debate,
I'll beat him while watching Stargate,
I'll own him with an AK or an Awp,
we'll see whose username is on top.
But we're better than friends, we're brothers,
maybe one day we'll take it one step further,
but until the day we can both get nanga,
we'll just spend our days talking crap about jangra.

As our life continues through this continuation that we refer to as time, we realize that we cannot relive those previous events that defined us. Instead, we can only look to the events that are forthcoming; the very same events that will continue to define us. So do we ignore the changes that life throws our way, or do we adapt to them, learn from them, and ultimately better ourselves because of them. Do we allow these changes to penetrate our condom of confidence, or do we decide to not wear a condom at all? However, if we allow our confidence to be broken, then that is the only way new life can form. A new child, by the name of Future, shall be born of this embrace of change. These are the thoughts that cause my pillow to be soaked with tears of regret and tears of anticipation. Alas, I pity the fool who does not recognize satire when he reads it. Penis.

Yeah, so just comment, and I'll predict your future. You don't need an account. Just comment, and I'll tell you where you're gonna end up.

Haris will become a famous rapper for his free-style, "Why I Hate Fish." He will get millions of endorsements and be known as one of the best rappers to come out of the South. His stage name will be "Lil Bangla," and his breakout album, "The Bangla Chronicles," will go quadruple uranium. However, he will eventually start a fued with Lil Wayne, and then, he will go on to be the forerunner of the upcoming Southside Movement. Unfortunately, he will lose all his fans due to an accidental use of the N-word during a freestyle battle with Lil Wayne.

Raheel will apply for a job as a ticket master at Toyota Center. Once he gets the job, he will then be shooting around one day on the goals, and Tracy McGrady will see him. Tracy McGrady will offer to play one on one with him and Raheel will beat him. Then, Raheel will get drafted onto the Houston Rockets, where he will be starting Power Forward. Then, Raheel will lose all his endorsements for raping a 17 year old groupie, even though he claims it was consensual.

Hafsa will try to become a doctor, like every other desi kid, but then will later realize that her true passion is cooking and cleaning. She will change her major to Home Economics and will later get her PhD in cooking. After that, Dr. Silat, PhD, will then become a very successful housewife and be known nationwide for her awesome biryani, which will be almost as good as my mom's. However, all her success will be overshadowed by her brother's, who will go on to become a famous celebrity-look-a-like porn star by the name of Abi-suck Bachan.

Sajid will study hard at the University of Houston and make really good grades. He will eventually get promoted to manager of the HEB he works at, but he will still keep school his main priority. Eventually he will get accepted into Baylor college of Medicine and emerge a successful Podatrist. After three years of practicing and earning $500,000 a year, he will give up his success to pursue a career as a professional counter-strike player. Because he won't make any money as a professional counter-strike player, his hot asian wife will totally pwn him by leaving him for his good, black friend, Lil Bangla.

Zaid Siddiqui will become an underwear model for Abecrombie and Fitch. However, they will eventually fire him when they found out he is not really gay, but just looks like it.

Bilal Siddiqui will spend five more years in college. First, he will spend a year in Malaysia studying premed, then he will spend a year in Iraq studying Liberal Arts, then he will spend a year in Nigeria studying Business, then he will spend a year in Bangladesh studying Economics,
and then he will spend a year in India studying Agriculture. Ultimately, he will drop out of school to own a half-gas station, half-cell phone shop called SiddCo. However, he will get sued by Citgo, the major oil company, for copyright infringement.

Hasan Gopalani will become President of Crescent Youth. However, he will later discover that he was only made president of CY because Shariq had done a lot of money laundering and insider trading using the CY name. Hasan will spend 15 years in prison because of Shariq's antics. After Hasan gets out, he will tell people crazy, hilarious stories about prison, but no one will believe him because his stories will be too crazy and have no point.

Rizwan Ali will sign up for the nasheed contest his senior year at MIST. His self-written, autobiographical song, "No One Likes Me Except Allah," will get him a first place trophy at regionals and nationals. Sami Yusuf will be so impressed with his nasheed that he will sign him to his record label, Ummah Records. Rizwan's first single, "Allah Made Me Like This," will spend three weeks at number 1 on the billboards, and his first album, "Rizwan Ali LP," will go double-platinum. Unfortunately, he will lose all his success when "Saudi Aramco" magazine publishes his secret album of corny love songs. Saudi Aramco will not reveal who the source of the tape was; instead they will refer to him as Jimran Angda.

Haseeb will go to the islands of Bangladesh to do missionary work and aid the monsoon victims. His powerful speeches and amazing Tae Kwon Do skills will get him immense popularity and support. He will start to blame the Bangali mainlanders for the poor situation of the islanders. He will soon be elected Vice Chancellor of Bangladesh, and then, with the support of the Facist-Wahabi, will become the dictator of Bangladesh. He will then change the name of the Democratic-Republic of Bangladesh to the Wahabi-Salafi Shariah State of Jangdabad. However, he will be assassinated by a progressive United States CIA agent. The US will not reveal who the assasin was; instead they will refer to him as Jimran Angda.

Rehan is going to have a really big party when he graduates from college. He's going to invite all his friends and family. At the party, someone will say something about Nintendo being a "kiddy company." This comment will spark a debate, which will result in him killing the person who said that. Then, when people try to calm him down, he will get even more angry. Feeling threatened, he will transform into the Incredible Hulk, except he will be brown instead of green. He will destroy the building and kill a few more people, including Haris. The police will eventually calm him down with tranquilizer darts. Finally, they will ship him to Haseeb's island where he will be used as an instrument of war.

Abid will go on to become an extremely successful doctor. At the age of 25, he will win the Nobel Peace prize for discovering the cure for baldness, but for some reason, it won't work on him. After winning the prize, Abid will donate $2 million to Al-Noor masjid and $5 million to the circus that Adil works at. By donating the money, Abid will be automatically promoted to a Level 52 Braelvi. Adil, however, will enjoy a successful career as a professional Braelvi clown. His famous act will be his ability to make one eye look one way, and the other eye look the other way.

Hani will be frustrated with his biology test scores and will decide he needs to change things up if he hopes on improving his scores. To study for the final, Hani decides to isolate himself and goes to study in a cave near his house. However, he will get really bored and eventually fall asleep. Hani will wake up in the year 3007, where Haseeb will be Supreme Chancellor of the World and Dhaka will be capital of the world.

**I apologize if this posts offends haseeb or any other wahabi**

I would like to say that the spot for my wife is officially open. I know that a lot of people have been waiting for this, so before I get everyone's hopes up, I would like to give a small list of requirements for this lucky lady.

-Must be at least 5 feet tall.

-Cannot be taller than 5 feet, 2 inches.

-Must be able to dunk.

-Must have long hair that changes color depending on my mood.

-Must be at least Rank 40 on Halo 3 Online.

-Must have watched every episode of "The Simpsons," "Futurama," "Family Guy," "Chappelle's Show," "Arrested Development," "The Colbert Report," and "The Office."

-Must be able to kick Rehan's ass.

-Must have Sharingan. (for those of you unfamiliar with Naruto: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jutsu_%28Naruto%29#Sharingan)

-Must have memorized the Quran, the Bible, and the lyrics to every Eminem song.

-Must be able to cook biryani better than my mom's biryani.

If anyone knows any girls that fit this category, please tell them to contact me. Thank you.