So Ramadan XXIII just ended, and as always, it's a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, you know you're going to miss the positive feelings of Ramadan: the brotherhood, the extra blessings, the iftar parties, IHOP sehris at 5 am...but on the other hand, it feels kinda good for things to get back to normal. The most important thing, however, is to never forget the lessons you learn from this holy month. So I've decided to make a list of things I learned this Ramadan.

-stay up all night watching TV, playing games, and hanging out. The later you fall asleep, the later you'll wake up, and the less you'll actually have to fast. Make sure you don't pray at night or do anything stupid like that.

-Find a video game and dedicate all your time to playing it. This will make the fasts seem fast.

-Khatam duas are the perfect time to catch up on some overdue sleep. The lights are off and everyone's focusing on their own sins, so no one will notice if you doze off for 10-15 minutes.

-You're never too old to get Eidi.

-"Staying up all night at the masjid" is the perfect way to stay out all night without your parents badgering you.

-If you're a hafiz, try to find a nice masjid to lead your taraveeh at. That way you can get your name out and get super props. Aunties will be throwing their daughters at you before you can even duck.

-Remember, you're always allowed the first look.

-Donate your yearly Zakat in Ramadan so you can maximize returns.

-Most masjids have free iftars and sehris, so you can eat free food for an entire month, if you're smart and make sure not to frequent the same masjids.

Anyways, I hope this advice helped. See y'all next year. Peace.

I'm sorry to all the infidels that I've offended by being Muslim. I didn't really plan on it; I was born this way. Do you think I'd actually choose to be part of this religion? Do you think it's easy having to stay away from women and Lucky Charms? It sucks, man. I have to deal with all these annoying rules like praying five times a day. Every 5-6 hours I have to take a 5 minute break. It's so irritating. Do you have any idea how unproductive that is? It really cuts into my Starcraft time.

And fasting for a month...it's ridiculous. Have you seen the weather outside? I have to skip lunch every day for 30 days? Forget that. I don't care what it feels like not to have food on the table. I worked hard (well, my parent's did) to get where I'm at it. Being poor is gay, and I'm just not into all that.

Oh, and I really didn't mean to oppress our women in front of you. In Islam, we have this annoying thing where we actually respect our women and honor them for their intelligence and ability, instead of treating them like sex objects and having them walk around half naked for our pleasure. I apologize on behalf of all modestly dressed Muslim women. My bad.

I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry to all the infidels that feel insecure when I'm around. I'm sorry that you have to feel a need to justify your pork and alcoholic habits to me. I personally WISH I could dip my bacon into a bud light every morning, but I just don't have that luxury. Anyways, you guys do what you gotta do. Just please don't post your embarrassing pictures of that night you got wasted on Facebook. I get really jealous, no joke. There's nothing more awesome than a picture of you and your best friend wrestling naked because the two of you had a few too many Heinekens.

I promise I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to try and suppress my flaws. I'll keep my terrorist centers out of your way. This whole Ground Zero Mosque is so stupid. I would like to apologize on behalf of my people. It's disrespectful to build one of our terrorist command centers so close to where that horrible tragedy happened nine years ago. Al-Qaeda may consist of religious, fundamentalist, uneducated, desperate, brainwashed, homicidal maniacs, but everyone knows that they truly represent the views of the other 1.57 billion Muslims.

Anyways, I'm sorry, I don't know where I got the idea that I could freely practice my religion or build peaceful places of worship. Thank you for being so patient with my warped beliefs. If other religions had small percentages of crazy fundamentalists, I'd be burning their holy books too.

"Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of crap, okay? If you're an ass, you're gonna come back as a cockroach, or a worm, or an anal bead, okay? If you're a man, and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle, you'll come back as a dragon, you'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?"

-Dale Denton, from Pineapple Express

As most of you know, YouTube has this feature where it recommends videos based on what you've watched. Today, it recommended me to (re)watch a Nouman Ali Khan video in which he answers the question, "I listen to lots of hip-hop and watch MTV Cribs...what's your advice?" It also suggested me a few other videos. Check it out:



Dang, even Youtube knows I'm a hypocrite.

I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize. I realize that my blog can be sometimes be taken as offensive to some people. I assure you, it's just jokes. I apologize if you take the musings of a random college student too seriously. A lot of my blog posts are about the people I deal with on a daily basis, so I'm sorry if you were too much of a scrub to handle something that you may have inspired. Next time, I'll be sure to only make fun of people that can take a joke or that can understand satire. I need to realize that not everyone can do this, and that's why I find myself having to write this disclaimer. I'm sorry and I hope you can accept my humble apology.

Love,
Imran

Why do we do the things that we do?

Some people are motivated by a higher being promising them an eternal bachelor pad with 72 virgins and an unlimited supply of milk, honey, and weed. They follow the rules of this higher being, and they know that if they do this, even if their instincts are telling them otherwise, they will eventually be compensated for their actions.

Some people are motivated by an internal moral compass. They are born with a code, usually defined by their experiences and what they were taught in Kindergarten. They follow this code and don't stray from it. They know that when they deviate, it always turns around and bites them in the ass. They've learned, usually the hard way, that Karma is one mean, angry, cold, heartless biznitch.

Some people simply do things to please themselves in the moment: whatever desire they want, they take it and don't look back. If they are hungry, they eat. If they want something, they take it. If they are hor---, well you get my drift.

However, most people act in a mix of these three things. They have their internal moral compass, but it's not solid and always changing. They try their best to balance what they truly believe and what their religion/culture tells them to believe. At the same time, they go against their ideals sometimes for some sort of temporary pleasure, but they usually bounce back. It's not a big deal; it's like cheating on your diet by scarfing down a few oreos when no one is looking.

Here's what I think it comes down to. Do what works for you. If you strongly believe in whatever religion you were brought up in, go for it. If your experiences in life have taught you not to lie and cheat, then don't. If you really believe that you can smoke/drink/screw whoever you want without consequence, then go for it. However, morality only comes down to one thing. Don't hurt others, no matter what you do. Besides that, do whatever floats your boat and lets you sleep at night.

I remember I had a similar conversation with one of my nurses. In one sentence, she put it really well: "Don't be an asshole." And she's right...that's really all there is to it

Okay, so today is my 22nd birthday. I'm surprised I even made it this far. 21 was rough...surgeries and whatnot. But what I've learned is that death is around the corner. Anything can happen at any moment. You could die before you even finish reading this blog. Like right now, you could just have a colon implosion. For serious.

It really feels like yesterday that I was running around San Malo Apartments with Adil or spitting sick freestyles with Kurdi or spending my weekends with Jessica Alba or hooping every Friday at Joyal's house. I miss those days.

Anyways, I realized there's a lot things in my life I've never done. So I've decided I'm going to set some goals for Year 22.

-discover the world's first sane woman
-save the world from Haseeb
-release a mixtape called "The Colonic"
-climb a mountain...no better yet, I wanna climb a Panjabi
-convert someone to Scientology
-unwatch two seasons of Grey's Anatomy
-fulfill the vision set forth by Young Money's "Every Girl"
-find the female version of this Imran Abbas guy that's making all these hijabs fall off
-find the long-lost Abil (think about it for a second, you'll get it)

Let's check back in a year and see how many of these I get done.

Let's play a game. It's called "What am I?" Ready? Let's go.

I lost my soul a long time ago. As a result, I'm purely evil. I am an unstoppable destructive force and I annihilate whatever I come in contact with. I tend to do most of my damage at night. I act for myself and do what pleases me. When I get hungry, I look for harmless, innocent victims, and I suck the life out of them. After I'm done, I just leave them to die, and begin looking for my next victim. What am I?