For those of you who don't know, a FAQ is a frequently asked question. Unfortunately, people ask me some really stupid ass questions. Sometimes it's because they've never seen a Muslim or a Hafiz before. Sometimes it's because they are stupid. I'm going to do you guys a favor and answer these questions right now.

Q: Do you talk to girls?
A: No, I don't. I walk around with a blindfold so I don't have to look at girls. If a girl calls my name or tries to draw attention to herself, I Rock Bottom her (with my eyes still closed and gloves on so I don't touch her). I don't even talk to my sisters because it's possible that they aren't really my sisters and that my family has been lying to me this whole time.

Q: How many of your friends are terrorists?
A: Define "terrorist." If by terrorist you mean someone that would kill innocent people for the sake of something really stupid, then I guess yeah, I do have some terrorist friends. I'm pretty sure Rehan would kill over a Smash Brothers match. Besides, the only killing I do is killing clowns on the basketball court. OHHHH.

Q: What is deoderant? (I swear to god this was asked to me by an old desi uncle)
A: Ok, lemme put it in terms you can understand. It's a magic stick that will solve all your problems.

Q: Should women be allowed to drive?
A: Well, actually, I don't see why women should feel the need to leave the house. In fact, if we put a bed in the kitchen, then wouldn't even need to leave their cages.

Q: So you actually memorized the ENTIRE quran?
A: No, I just memorized every other line. Also, I accidentally memorized one of the paras backwards. I also like to make up stuff while I'm leading namaz. It's mostly gibberish.

Q: If I make dua for you, will you make dua for me?
A: No, because that's not a fair trade. Because I'm Hafiz, I'm a superior being to you. Becaues I'm Hafiz, all my actions and beliefs are irrelevant and I'm automatically going to heaven. So, no, I won't waste my time doing dua for you, unless you pay me. I accept paypal.

Q: Why don't you celebrate Christmas?
A: For the same reason you don't celebrate my religious holidays: Ramdhan, Eid 1 & 2, and Eminem's birthday.

Q: Do nonmuslims go to heaven?
A: Actually, I'm not even sure most muslims get to go to heaven. I'll be damned (literally) if Saddam Hussein or Kashif gets into heaven.

Q: Are you going to have an arranged marriage?
A: Option 1: Try my odds, play the field, go through the trouble of finding girls, filtering through those girls to find a mate, then testing her out as a potential wife, then marrying her only to find out six months later that she doesn't know how to make gajar halwa.

Option 2: Give my mom a list of requirements (see my first post), and let her do all the work. That way, I can blame her if things don't work out.

Q: How do you feel about hijab?
A: Saves girls the trouble of having to get 50 dollar haircuts from Ulta and making their hair every day. Besides, there's plenty of hot-jabis, so I wouldn't mind hooking up with one.

Q: How do you feel about homosexuality?
A: As long as they aren't trying to flirt with me (which unfortunatly seems to happen to me more than it should), I'm ok with it. And yes, I flirted with the gay guy at Jack-in-the-Box for some extra ranch sauce. At least I hope it was ranch. (I bet you guys were expecting a Zaid Siddiqui joke, weren't you?)

Ok, that's all the questions I could think of. Every single one of these questions has been asked to me before. They aren't all stupid, but still, I can make fun of whatever I want because it's my blog. Feel free to ask me stupid questions in the comments, and I'll try to answer them. Godspeed.

Seeing as it has been over two months since my last update, this post should be really good. It should be the most creative thing I've ever written. It should inspire you to go do some good. It should really offend you, but too much so that you'll keep coming back. It should reveal some crazy things about me and give you some insight into what I'm thinking. It should really make you think and laugh at the same time. It should make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it that way." It should get me at least ten rishtas before the end of this year. It should be the wittiest satire ever written. It should make all other bloggers delete their blogs out of respect to me. It should get me jobs at Time Magazine and Comedy Central. It should get me a contract with Pendant Publishing. It should get me my own cable TV show called "Jangrafeld." It should give me the power to influence others. This post should be really good.

Too bad it isn't.