Heaven

I wonder what Heaven will be like. I know there are general descriptions provided in religious text, but I was thinking about more specific details. For example, will each person have their own heaven and their own reality? Or will heaven be a place where like everyone exists together and have their fantasies fulfilled? Or will it be a combination of everyone's version of heaven in one big heaven? For example, if there's a mall in my version of heaven, will Zaid Siddiqui be working at Abecrombie and Fitch? Will Ahmed own his own dojo? Will Kashif be a rockstar nobody cares about? Will Rizwan Ali finally get married?

In any case, I assume Heaven is a place where all my fantasies will be fulfilled. There will be so many fast food restaurants, but none of it will give you the hours of post-fast food agony. Also, the haircuts will still be $2.99, but the barbers will actually speak English and WON'T ask for tip. Desi people will actually smell nice, especially the girls. Speaking of girls, they won't have mouths. Alright, fine, they can have mouths, but they won't be allowed to talk. Or drive. In Heaven, the internet will never go out and all downloads will run around 700-1000 kbs. There will be cell phone signal everywhere we go, and all the starbucks will have free wi-fi (not that garbage $20 tmobile crap). The speed limit in Heaven will be 50 on city driving and 70 on highways. Cars will give 45 mpg and no one will be allowed to drive trucks. And women won't be allowed to drive...did I already mention that? Neither will old people and Bilal Siddiqui.

A few years ago, people told me that I was hafiz. And because I'm hafiz, I'm apparently allowed to save seven people from going to hell. So, yeah, here's my list:

1. Kimbo: he will be my personal body guard.
2. Eminem: he will be my personal rapper.
3. Michael Jackson: he will be my personal dancer.
4. Kobe Bryant: he will be my personal trainer.
5. Jessica Alba: she will be my personal...umm...i'll find a purpose for her.
6. Adil Farooq: he will be my personal jestor.
7. Wildcard

I'm leaving that wildcard open for one of you scrubs who's sure that they're going to hell, but is willing to do my homework for the next two years. Or if I can't get married, I'll use that wildcard to get a wife. I don't know.