Breakups suck. That's just the truth. Sometimes things end badly, and the two people can't remain friends. Actually, that's the case most of the time. So the girl (because 99% of the time it's her fault) has to come up with reasons for her friends as to why the guy isn't around. She can't say, "Oh, he's not around because I was a selfish, lying, cheating biznitch and he dumped my arse." Instead, she has to come up with lies, often exaggerated, so that she doesn't look bad. Well, here are some of the lies that my MANY, MANY ex-girlfriends have told their friends/families, as to why I disappeared.

-"Imran turned out to be gay. He apparently had some fling with one of his Bangali friends."
-"I found out that Imran was selling crystal meth behind madrasah. I knew that those "Smash tonight?" texts he'd get from his friends meant something else."
-"Imran dropped outta school to pursue a rap career. "
-"Imran was cheating on me. I found out that he was calling some random girl named "Aisha" on his phone bill. And I called one of his other friends from his phone, Safwan, and a GIRL picked up. She claimed to be Safwan, but I know that wasn't a guy on the phone."
-"Imran was into some really shady things. He used to hang out with all these weird guys, like Adil, Abid, Ahmed, Haris, and Safwan. Those guys looked like they were up to no good."
-"One of his friends, Rehan, threatened to beat me up."
-"Me and Imran differed on religious beliefs. He was into all sorts of weird things like praying five times a day and reading crazy Arabic gibberish. I'm not down with that. That's just not baller to me."
-"Kashif."
-"He used to always compare me to some guy named Ferhan. And he'd always tell me that he wishes I would be more like Ferhan."
-"Imran was really psychotic. One time, he ripped out his own colon to prove a point. I can't handle things like that."

I believe in a deeper enlightenment than most people. That in order to truly unleash your potential, you must accept more than what is the social norm. You must realize that right and wrong is not simple. It does not come from what society seems normal. It comes from within. And you will face tests in your life to determine if you are truly enlightened. And these tests will often require you to laugh in the face off what you already know. If you accept the truth, and are able to find it within yourself, then you will be able to witness things you did not know you could comprehend. Suddenly, everything will make sense. It's only once you're ready to accept the truth, will you truly be worthy of it.

Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

It's been really hard these last few months without you. I didn't think this would ever happen to us. I thought you'd be with me forever. I look back and have no idea how things went wrong. Things were perfect for the longest time, but then suddenly everything changed. I had no way of seeing it coming. I knew there were problems and I tried so many different ways to fix things. But it was taking its toll on me. You were causing me so much stress and tension, and it was interfering with my schoolwork. Everyone saw the affect you were having on me. I really couldn't believe how bad things had gotten. After we made it through our roughest episode, I thought we might have a chance, but I knew deep down, things could never be the same. Regardless, I decided to give you one last chance. Things were looking up for awhile, but then you started giving me problems again, and I knew what I had to do. I knew we had to part ways. It was what was best for me. I'm sorry, but I had no choice. It's been rough without you. You were always a part of me, and I just want you to know that I won't ever be able to replace you. And if I ever do, things just won't be as perfect as they used to be. Goodbye, my colon.