Yeah, I know it's kind of surprising right? A Muslim Republican? That's like being a nonviolent panjabi or a female who's not completely insane. However, I believe as a Muslim, it is our duty to subscribe to Republican philosophy. I used to consider myself moderate, but I was intrigued by this recent trend of Republican Muslims and wanted to see what it was all about.

First of all, Muslim philosophies and Republican philosophies go hand-in-hand. Republicans are anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, and most importantly, anti-immigration. After all, who wants to keep Muslims out of America more than anyone...other Muslims! It's the only we can keep away from our mothers-in-law.

Gay marraige is one of the world's greatest evils. It's right up there with genocide and kicking babies and smoking weed. How dare two consensual adults, who love each other, be allowed the same marriage rights as people who don't even care about one another, just because of sexual orientation? It's much better for a 25-year old male to be forced to marry a 15-year old girl from Pakistan. That makes SO much more sense. If we allow gay marriage, then it won't be long before people start marrying random stuff. At that point, what's to stop Rehan from marrying his Xbox or Ahmed from marrying one of his cats. Hell, without rules, even Kashif might somehow end up married.

Muslims in general should be really conservative. We don't like change. If women are allowed to lead prayers, then what's to stop us from reading behind animals? If this trend continues, pretty soon we'll be reading behind the goats we're about to sacrifice on Eid.

So let's do the right thing. We shouldn't let silly things like useless wars or Republican congressmen cheating on their wives or economic practices that lead to depressions or idiotic (but hot) vice presidential candidates or hypocricy or strong right-wing Christian morals or country music or George Bush or corrupt lobbyists or documented racism stop us from doing what is right. Vote Republican.

Plus, they hate Jews and black people too! Or at least Kanye West says they do.

It's been really hard these last few months without you. I didn't think this would ever happen to us. I thought you'd be with me forever. I look back and have no idea how things went wrong. Things were perfect for the longest time, but then suddenly everything changed. I had no way of seeing it coming. I knew there were problems and I tried so many different ways to fix things. But it was taking its toll on me. You were causing me so much stress and tension, and it was interfering with my schoolwork. Everyone saw the affect you were having on me. I really couldn't believe how bad things had gotten. After we made it through our roughest episode, I thought we might have a chance, but I knew deep down, things could never be the same. Regardless, I decided to give you one last chance. Things were looking up for awhile, but then you started giving me problems again, and I knew what I had to do. I knew we had to part ways. It was what was best for me. I'm sorry, but I had no choice. It's been rough without you. You were always a part of me, and I just want you to know that I won't ever be able to replace you. And if I ever do, things just won't be as perfect as they used to be. Goodbye, my colon.

Yes, it's true. I'm off the market. It's kind of a long story and it was in the works for awhile, but after careful deliberation, I decided to go through with it.

Yesterday, when I woke up for sehri, my mom and nani ma were saying that it's about time I got engaged. They said that I'm 21 now and pretty far in my education, and that I should consider this type of thing. Plus, all my friends are getting engaged; it's actually the cool thing to do now. Before, we used to play video games and basketball for fun, and now getting engaged is the new fad.

So, I told them I'd start looking. First thing I did was I went to ratedesi.com, but the damn website wouldn't let me look at any of the profiles unless I made an account. So then, I went to eHarmony and made a profile, but I turned up zero results because apparently, there aren't any "attractive, Muslim women who are willing to fulfill my ever whim and desire." I also submitted my "biodata" to shaadi.com, but that didn't work out either.

So then, I decided to go to online forums, and I found this one amazing forum. It consisted mostly of young Muslims posting a lot of interesting topics. It dealt with vital issues such as "Brushing Teeth with Toothpaste while Fasting" and "Teddy Bears: somewhat haram or extremely haram?" I mean, seriously, those are thoughts that keep me up at night. I don't wanna commit shirk because Mr. Snuggles helps me fall asleep.

Anyways, that's beside the point. So I got on the forums and I discovered a very thriving online community. Most importantly it had girls! Even a special "Sister's Section," which I wasn't allowed in. Fortunately, I got access by using my sister's account. Shhh. So, anyways, I started online correspondence with this one member, SwtHijabiHottie4u. I got to know her over time, and by asr, I realized SwtHijabiHottie4u was the person I was looking for.

I talked to my parents, and they said that they told me that I was rushing things and that I needed to slow down. They told me that I should wait until iftar, at least, before I send a rishta. So that's what I did. As soon as my azaan clock started wailing, I stuffed a date in my mouth, and forced my mom to send the proposal. SwtHijabiHottie4u's mother told my mom that they would need time to think it over, especially since they didn't even know my real name or anything about me. So we honored their wishes and told them they could take as long as they wanted. However, the wait for me was insane. I was really into SwtHijabiHottie4uand couldn't wait for her answer. I even added her on Facebook! I was really into it. So I anxiously awaited the response, knowing that this was an important decision and that it would take a long time for them to make it.

Finally, just when I had lost hope and decided that it was game over and that they had probably gotten a few better rishtas since mine, I got the call right before I left for taraveeh. I swear it was the longest hour of my life. SwtHijabiHottie4u's family said they were down for it. So after isha, I asked Sheikh Syed to do the nikkah, and inshAllah, tomorrow is the reception. I would urge you all to try and come. It will be at Lal Masjid in Karachi, Pakistan. However, the rukhsati is in ten years, so I guess none of this even matters :(

For those of you who don't know, a FAQ is a frequently asked question. Unfortunately, people ask me some really stupid ass questions. Sometimes it's because they've never seen a Muslim or a Hafiz before. Sometimes it's because they are stupid. I'm going to do you guys a favor and answer these questions right now.

Q: Do you talk to girls?
A: No, I don't. I walk around with a blindfold so I don't have to look at girls. If a girl calls my name or tries to draw attention to herself, I Rock Bottom her (with my eyes still closed and gloves on so I don't touch her). I don't even talk to my sisters because it's possible that they aren't really my sisters and that my family has been lying to me this whole time.

Q: How many of your friends are terrorists?
A: Define "terrorist." If by terrorist you mean someone that would kill innocent people for the sake of something really stupid, then I guess yeah, I do have some terrorist friends. I'm pretty sure Rehan would kill over a Smash Brothers match. Besides, the only killing I do is killing clowns on the basketball court. OHHHH.

Q: What is deoderant? (I swear to god this was asked to me by an old desi uncle)
A: Ok, lemme put it in terms you can understand. It's a magic stick that will solve all your problems.

Q: Should women be allowed to drive?
A: Well, actually, I don't see why women should feel the need to leave the house. In fact, if we put a bed in the kitchen, then wouldn't even need to leave their cages.

Q: So you actually memorized the ENTIRE quran?
A: No, I just memorized every other line. Also, I accidentally memorized one of the paras backwards. I also like to make up stuff while I'm leading namaz. It's mostly gibberish.

Q: If I make dua for you, will you make dua for me?
A: No, because that's not a fair trade. Because I'm Hafiz, I'm a superior being to you. Becaues I'm Hafiz, all my actions and beliefs are irrelevant and I'm automatically going to heaven. So, no, I won't waste my time doing dua for you, unless you pay me. I accept paypal.

Q: Why don't you celebrate Christmas?
A: For the same reason you don't celebrate my religious holidays: Ramdhan, Eid 1 & 2, and Eminem's birthday.

Q: Do nonmuslims go to heaven?
A: Actually, I'm not even sure most muslims get to go to heaven. I'll be damned (literally) if Saddam Hussein or Kashif gets into heaven.

Q: Are you going to have an arranged marriage?
A: Option 1: Try my odds, play the field, go through the trouble of finding girls, filtering through those girls to find a mate, then testing her out as a potential wife, then marrying her only to find out six months later that she doesn't know how to make gajar halwa.

Option 2: Give my mom a list of requirements (see my first post), and let her do all the work. That way, I can blame her if things don't work out.

Q: How do you feel about hijab?
A: Saves girls the trouble of having to get 50 dollar haircuts from Ulta and making their hair every day. Besides, there's plenty of hot-jabis, so I wouldn't mind hooking up with one.

Q: How do you feel about homosexuality?
A: As long as they aren't trying to flirt with me (which unfortunatly seems to happen to me more than it should), I'm ok with it. And yes, I flirted with the gay guy at Jack-in-the-Box for some extra ranch sauce. At least I hope it was ranch. (I bet you guys were expecting a Zaid Siddiqui joke, weren't you?)

Ok, that's all the questions I could think of. Every single one of these questions has been asked to me before. They aren't all stupid, but still, I can make fun of whatever I want because it's my blog. Feel free to ask me stupid questions in the comments, and I'll try to answer them. Godspeed.

Seeing as it has been over two months since my last update, this post should be really good. It should be the most creative thing I've ever written. It should inspire you to go do some good. It should really offend you, but too much so that you'll keep coming back. It should reveal some crazy things about me and give you some insight into what I'm thinking. It should really make you think and laugh at the same time. It should make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it that way." It should get me at least ten rishtas before the end of this year. It should be the wittiest satire ever written. It should make all other bloggers delete their blogs out of respect to me. It should get me jobs at Time Magazine and Comedy Central. It should get me a contract with Pendant Publishing. It should get me my own cable TV show called "Jangrafeld." It should give me the power to influence others. This post should be really good.

Too bad it isn't.

I got a weird call the other day. I didn't know the number, it was a different area code. So I picked up, and I was like "hello?" and then the person paused for a bit and was like "...hello?" And then I was like "hey what's up? who's this?" and then she's like "oh hey, i'm the devil." This is how the rest of the conversation went:

Imran: oh..really?
Devil: yeah, fo real.
Imran: can you prove it?
Devil: alrite fine. you were currently about to master-
Imran: OK! I believe you! So, how'd you get my number?
Devil: i got it from Kashif.
Imran: oh..damn. so what's up?
Devil: I just wanted to let you know, keep up the good work.
Imran: ...what are you talking about?
Devil: you're doing a good job, man. I really appreciate your effort.
Imran: thanks...but i thought i was a good guy.
Devil: naw, man you're a great guy. all the stuff you do is really helping me out
Imran: really? like what.
Devil: well first of all, i just wanted to let you know that you're a really funny guy. those religious jokes are really awesome. Tell that one about Jesus and Mohammed walking into a bar!
Imran: Oh...naw I've been trying to stop those.
Devil: Dude, they're awesome, I can get you an HBO special if you want. I did the same for Russel Peters.
Imran: no, it's ok.
Devil: Also, I love how you lead on the ladies.
Imran: umm...i don't think i do that.
Devil: of course you do. always cracking jokes with them, plus your devilish good looks. and right when they fall for you, they find out you're gay and they can't have you.
Imran: damn, even you think I'm gay? I'M NOT GAY!
Devil: oh, then why do you walk like that? and what's your obsession with Haris?
Imran: can't help it, and the Haris thing is just a joke.
Devil: oh, alright. fine stay in the closet. but i do have a problem with one of the things you do.
Imran: what's that?
Devil: you're always making fun of wahabis and braelvis and making them look bad.
Imran: ...but I thought you'd like that!
Devil: naw man, if it wasn't for those guys, I wouldn't have a job. Wahab and Braelv...they really helped me out back in the 1930's when things were getting boring.
Imran: damn, so you're behind these brainwashed scrubs arguing over nothing?
Devil: yeah, that's me. and I'm also behind the West Coast vs. East Coast beef, the Shaq vs. Kobe beef, and the Rehan vs. everyone else beef.
Imran: Damn, ok. But umm...I don't think I can keep helping you.
Devil: why the hell not?
Imran: because I don't wanna go to hell.
Devil: oh...well f you then.
Imran: ...go to hell.
Devil: come on man. its really not that bad. its just really hot and ruled by a dictator. think of it as Rehan's house, without AC.
Imran: I don't even go to his house that much. And I really like AC.
Devil: maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. Help me help you.
Imran: naw man, i'll pass.
Devil: alrite thats, fine. you know, you're pretty cute. you wanna discuss this stuff over dinner sometime?
Imran: no, man. i don't go out with girls. i'm gonna get an arranged marriage to some village girl in Pakistan. or a cousin.
Devil: oh, sucks to be you. anyways, i look forward to meeting you in two years. Salaam.
Imran: two years? what are you talking about? hello? devil?

yeah, so that's my conversation with the devil. what a bitch.

I wonder what Heaven will be like. I know there are general descriptions provided in religious text, but I was thinking about more specific details. For example, will each person have their own heaven and their own reality? Or will heaven be a place where like everyone exists together and have their fantasies fulfilled? Or will it be a combination of everyone's version of heaven in one big heaven? For example, if there's a mall in my version of heaven, will Zaid Siddiqui be working at Abecrombie and Fitch? Will Ahmed own his own dojo? Will Kashif be a rockstar nobody cares about? Will Rizwan Ali finally get married?

In any case, I assume Heaven is a place where all my fantasies will be fulfilled. There will be so many fast food restaurants, but none of it will give you the hours of post-fast food agony. Also, the haircuts will still be $2.99, but the barbers will actually speak English and WON'T ask for tip. Desi people will actually smell nice, especially the girls. Speaking of girls, they won't have mouths. Alright, fine, they can have mouths, but they won't be allowed to talk. Or drive. In Heaven, the internet will never go out and all downloads will run around 700-1000 kbs. There will be cell phone signal everywhere we go, and all the starbucks will have free wi-fi (not that garbage $20 tmobile crap). The speed limit in Heaven will be 50 on city driving and 70 on highways. Cars will give 45 mpg and no one will be allowed to drive trucks. And women won't be allowed to drive...did I already mention that? Neither will old people and Bilal Siddiqui.

A few years ago, people told me that I was hafiz. And because I'm hafiz, I'm apparently allowed to save seven people from going to hell. So, yeah, here's my list:

1. Kimbo: he will be my personal body guard.
2. Eminem: he will be my personal rapper.
3. Michael Jackson: he will be my personal dancer.
4. Kobe Bryant: he will be my personal trainer.
5. Jessica Alba: she will be my personal...umm...i'll find a purpose for her.
6. Adil Farooq: he will be my personal jestor.
7. Wildcard

I'm leaving that wildcard open for one of you scrubs who's sure that they're going to hell, but is willing to do my homework for the next two years. Or if I can't get married, I'll use that wildcard to get a wife. I don't know.