The Weasel

There exists a creature whose sole purpose is to cause mischief. This agent of Satan goes around preaching the word of God, but the reality is that he just enjoys hearing the sound of his own voice. This keyboard warrior has no actual knowledge or intellect, just a propensity for telling everyone what they are doing is wrong. This Weasel often enters into situations, completely uninvited, to tell everyone about their own faith.

Me: Hey guys, I just got this awesome new promotion! I will be lead engineering director at Halal Engineering Inc!
Weasel: Brother, why would you be so proud of such a haram job?
Me: How is this haram? It's a Muslim owned Engineering Company that builds hospitals in Islamic countries without taking any loans and even has zabiha food in the cafeteria.
Weasel: Brother, don't you work with the opposite gender?
Me: No, they have completely separate offices for men and women.
Weasel: Well, do they offer a 401k retirement plan?
Me: Yes, but they do not invest in any interest bearing accounts.
Weasel: Where is your office located?
Me: Near the beltway.
Weasel: So you pay tolls to get to work and support this kuffar government? HARAM!
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: *checks in to Luigi's Pizza*
Weasel: Brother...
Me: Let me guess, pizza is haram.
Weasel: Actually, I was going to say "Brother's Pizza is better."
Me: Oh, well, I actually do like Brother's Pizza a lot.
Weasel: Yes, but unfortunately, pizza is haram. The Prophet didn't eat pizza, therefore it is biddah to eat pizza.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Check out this new band guys!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know music is haram?
Me: Well, actually there's several reputable Islamic scholars that say certain types of music are acceptable.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know that those scholars are deviant?
Me: Just because they disagree with you, they're deviants?
Weasel: No, it's because they practice deviancy.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Like my Facebook status and I'll tell you where we first met!
Weasel: Brother, you are promoting liking things which are not Allah.
Me: ...it's a standard feature of Facebook!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know Facebook is haram?
Imran: But you're on Facebook right now!
Weasel: Yes, just to tell everyone it's haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: The people killing each other in XYZ country need to stop! Killing innocent people is clearly haram in our religion!
Weasel: Brother, telling people that things are haram is haram.
Me: Don't you realize that's what you just did?
Weasel: Please do not accuse me of telling people what they are doing is haram. Accusing me of that is haram.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: I just finished reading this awesome surah in the Quran! Y'all should go check it out.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know it is haram to read the Quran on your own without a scholar?
Me: Well, I read it in Arabic and then I read an authorized tafsir in English.
Weasel: Brother, you're not supposed to interpret the Quran on your own. You don't even know Arabic.
Me: Well, where did you get this information?
Weasel: I read it in the Quran.
Me: But you don't know Arabic.
Weasel: Brother, please don't accuse your Muslim brother of committing haram.
Me: So you're saying I can't read the Quran unless I know Classical Arabic and study it with a scholar?
Weasel: Yes.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

Me: Hey, Broseph, happy birthday!
Weasel: Brother, don't you know birthdays are haram?
Me: Man, I wish you would lighten up sometimes. Birthdays aren't that serious.
Weasel: Brother, don't you know wishing is haram? You're supposed to make dua.
Me: Is there anything that isn't haram? I can't even read the Quran or use Facebook anymore!
Weasel: Nope. Haram until proven halal.
Me: *sigh* Ok, Weasel.

So the Weasel will find some form random train of illogical thought or some obscure weak hadith to try and convince you that everything you love is haram (like pizza and birthdays) and that everything you hate is halal (like killing children and hemorrhoids). This is what the Weasel does and there's nothing you can do about it. The best way to deal with the Weasel is to completely ignore him; thus, cutting off his life source: attention.